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IELTS: Cause and solution to the over-all happiness of the youth

lichien0422 5 / 8 3  
Jul 12, 2019   #1
Please fee free to advise. Thank you :)

In some countries, young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are less happy. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

The key to happiness

The younger generation is considered living in a more prosperous, safer and healthier society than their forefathers in several countries. Nevertheless, they do not seem to be more satisfied with their lives.

First, the numbers of people with mental illness have increased over the past decades due to the ever-changing nature of technology. Technology brought convenience but also exploding information to our lives. The youth are expected to keep up the pace and double what they can do in a 24-hour day, which can be very overwhelming. Second, even though social media platforms have their benefits, using them too regularly can make you feel unhappy and alienated. Many teens spend too much time trying to take the perfect photo of spots they visited, meanwhile not really enjoying themselves by witnessing it with their own eyes.

In my opinion, the key to happiness is to build relationships with others. Put away the phones at dinner tables and morning coffee with your family and friends. Happiness is a collective phenomenon and is contagious. Also, do what you are passionate about, ask yourself what the one thing in life is you have to achieve that makes everything else unnecessary then go for it. When you do what you're most passionate about, you are developing your potential and contributing to overall well-being, which is self-actualization in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

In conclusion, although human behavior has changed dramatically over the years, the principles of being content has yet changed. The pursuit of happiness is in our own hands. We are the architect of our own life.
huyhihung10A 3 / 5  
Jul 12, 2019   #2
hi, I am really into your incredible perception of the pursuit of happiness.
I just wonder whether "has yet changed" or "has yet to change" is correct.
linhchin 4 / 7 1  
Jul 12, 2019   #3
hi @lichien0422
i think your essay is clear and well-organized.
however i think you should replace first and second with firstly and secondly because it sounds more formal. moreover, in a written essay, i would prefer to not use 'you'. You can use 'people' instead
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Jul 13, 2019   #4
Hello there. I'll provide you with writing feedback.

I find that, in general, your writing is well-composed and put-together. I suggest attempting to incorporate more techniques that will help you save space in your essay, allowing you to have more substantial conversations in the latter parts of your writing.

When it comes to giving examples, try to look at an extremist and more generalized one rather than a specific one. Having the former will help you curate more of an understandable depth in your writing.

In the second to last paragraph, the reference to Maslow is quite out of place. I would suggest omitting that.

Best of luck.

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