Writing task 2 : The cause and solution (stress from work)

Could you give me some advises about organization and help me fix this essay?

people are under strain and depression from their job

More and more people claim that modern work patterns are a soure of stress. What do you think are the causes of this? Can you suggest some possible solutions?

It is clear that the work productivity of human contributes mainly to the global development. However, it goes along with a wide range of people being under strain and depression from their works. This essay will look at the reasons for this and propose some measures.

There are several causes of this problem. The first reason is that, nowadays, in most nations in the world, working adults are being suffered by overworkload as they must work long hours, about 8 to 12 hours per day at workplace. As a result, they come home very late at night, which results in that they do not have time to relax and take care of their family well. Gradually, over time, many people are inclined to living in pressure. The second reason is that, these days, many jobs are almost short-term jobs, and people are at risk of unemployment so they tend to worry too much about finding other jobs when coming at the end of the contract.

To reduce the negative effects on these issues mentioned above, there are some solutions to this problem. One of the measures suggested is that during time hard working, employers should occasionally organize some leisure activities such as: holding games and setting up trips on annual vacations for their staffs, which helps them take a rest and boost their energy and states to be possitive. Hence, they feel much more motivated and enthusiastic to turn to their employments. Besides, another solution is for goverments to launch some rules to cut out the hours working in the day and prolong the work contracts. This would help employees somewhat have time to prepare alternative approaches and decline their pressure significantly.

To sum up, in term of this bustling life, people are really dififcult to seperate stressed states from works, due to many causes of working time, job insecurity, etc. However, it could be addressed by policy of companies and goverments' approaches.

You have 323 words in your essay, which means you may not have enough time to write an essay in real test, and you may make more errors. I used to struggle with this. So my tip is to shorten your sentences by trying to prioritize what is more important. For example, choose the 3 best sentences out of 5 for one statement.

In the third paragraph, encouraging workers to have more time for leisure activities seems a bit contrary to the first reason in your second paragraph. Since they have to follow a set schedule, they can't just control it. Thus, it would make more sense if you put this after the solution of cutting out working hours.

You often write strange phrases that is affected by Vietnamese writing, such as " people are really dififcult to seperate ...". Don't just translate them directly into English. Instead, make a few key words of the phrases you want to say and search on the internet to find what it actually is in English.

You should learn to outline your discussions before you write the essay. The main problem I see here is that you treated your brainstorming as the essay itself. You just kept writing, without considering the actual presentation. For example, in paragraph 2, you have 2 unrelated discussion points in the presentation. This created a paragraph that has one fully developed explanation and one that does not relate to the first topic and, due to the non-relationship, remained under explained. The paragraph became confusing to the reader in the process. You should always discuss based on an outlined consideration of 2 related topics.

You should also remember that when the solutions are required, the word is used in plural form. So you have to present 2 related solutions in the essay that will directly relate to the 2 previous topics in the causes paragraph. When your presentations do not properly relate, there is a confusion in the presentation. When the solution presented is singular when the requirement is plural, so at least 2 solutions relevant to the causes, the presentation for that paragraph does not follow the discussion requirement for the second question.

@Holt
Yes. In the second paragraph I mentioned the reasons why people were stressed from their works. They are working time in a day and job security. About the solutions, I suggest employer should sometimes organize leisure activites for their staffs after their hardwroking time to encourage them to be more possitive and reduce stress, and the goverment could launch some approachs to reduce the number of working hours. You can indicate 2 ideas unrelated to the topic in my essay to help me understand clearier. Thank you.