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IELTS Writing Task2 - Causes and solutions in preventing bad influence of adult products


mariali 3 / 9 1  
Dec 9, 2013   #1
This essay took me around 45 minutes. Please give me feedback. Thank you all! :D
Topic:Exposure to scenes with violent or sexual content on the Internet or in movies has had a negative effect on adolescent children. What are the causes? Give your solutions to prevent bad influence of those without violating the rights of adult viewers.

A year ago, I have watched the movie Malèna (produced in 2000) which is about the life of a beautiful woman abused by people who envied her beauty and beloved by a 12-year-old boy in World War II, with many sexual and violent scenes. With a serious perception, I could recognize the humanistic meanings of those and they just supported the main story. Nevertheless, how does it affect to adolescents who do not have the right view about those sensitive scenes?

That is the big problem in educating teenagers because violent or sexual content is not usually showed as supporting role in the main story in some multimedia products. Most of them often masquerade as "art scene" with "liberating human instinct" meanings. Therefore, the lack of knowledge about law, worst moral or the curiosity could lead teenagers' view to the wrong way under the bad influence of violent or porno products.

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Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 9, 2013   #2
Generally, this task requires a certain structure for you to earn marks.
OP mariali 3 / 9 1  
Dec 9, 2013   #3
Pahan
Uhmm, thank you Pahan...
My big problem is that sometime I can't control my language skills in some kinds of text. Instinctively, I just write down things appearing in my head... I know that's not good because it makes my essay disorderly...
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 9, 2013   #4
:D .... Well, it is good if you follow a standard essay structure for this task, because this type of exams have a major bearing on time. You are given a very short time to present your essay and they would mark you according to certain guideline. So it is always advisable to follow a structure without trying new things because of this reason. When you practice on different topics, always set time and practice.

Pahan has given you the structure to follow for the introduction.
FrankZheng 3 / 14 7  
Dec 9, 2013   #5
The first paragraph, maybe you should mention and emphasize the negative effects on you.
I rewrite for you ,but in another way.

A year ago, I have watched the movie Malèna (produced in 2000) with many sexual and violent scenes. As a 12-year-old boy, I could not recognize the humanistic meanings in the movie and resulted in many nightmares, bothering and disturbing my daily life. Nevertheless, how does it affect to adolescents who do not have the right view about those sensitive scenes?

Focus on the causes,not the result. So ,the second paragraph is certainly off-topic.
That is the big problem in educating teenagers because violent or sexual content is not usually showed as supporting role in the main story in some multimedia products. Most of them often masquerade as "art scene" with "liberating human instinct" meanings. Therefore, the lack of knowledge about law, worst moral or the curiosity could lead teenagers' view to the wrong way under the bad influence of violent or porno products.

A regular option is to put the programs about sex education and law in schools so that children could be raisedstudyin knowledge and have a right perception about sex and violence. Beside it, government could apply the censorship or attach the age restriction to every sensitive product to classify viewers or players. However, this way would have just a little effect on our curious children, even sometimes it could be counter-productive and makes adolescents enthralled by evil thoughts that would lead to delinquency.

One solutionAnother effective solution that is more effective is "family" filter or parental censorship in protecting the innocence of children and saving corrupt souls. Indeed, in some countries that porno products are legal like Japan, or have a high rate of delinquency such as China, America or India, parents must take over the task of censorship from government bodies in movies, music, computer games and the Internet. Moreover, parents should pay more attention to children's desires and wishes by making truthful conversation usually about sensitive problems and drive juvenile ideas to the right way.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Dec 9, 2013   #6
By giving my real experience first then linking with the topic , could it be possible?

I think this is possible but I prefer a short and direct introduction. The introduction provides readers with main points you intend to develop. Also, writing a simple introduction will help you save time to support your ideas in your body paragraphs.

That is the big problem in educating teenagers because violent or sexual content is not usually showed as supporting role in the main story in some multimedia products. Most of them often masquerade as "art scene" with "liberating human instinct" meanings. Therefore, the lack of knowledge about law, worst moral or the curiosity could lead teenagers' view to the wrong way under the bad influence of violent or porno products.

I find this paragraph irrelevant to the topic.

put the programs about sex education and law in schools

include sex education in the curriculum

could be raised in knowledge

You can omit this part.

Beside it

Besides

every sensitive product

What do you mean by "sensitive product"?

have just a little effect

have little or no effect

on our curious children

One solution

Another solution

porno products

pornography

in decrease

in decreasing
OP mariali 3 / 9 1  
Dec 9, 2013   #7
FrankZheng:
Yep, thank you, now I find it clearer :D I should rewrite the second paragraph, and focus to the causes not results.

mariali:
every sensitive product What do you mean by "sensitive product"?

Yeah, wrong word, I meant "aldult products". As you said, I should follow the structure to save time up :'( My words used still sound unnatural :'(


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