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CBEST essay (Hiking and camping): Memorable childhood experience


fenrir 1 / -  
Aug 11, 2010   #1
Hi guys!

I need assistance with the essay portion of the CBEST. I got a really, really low score the first time I took the essay CBEST section. What failed me, according to the essay score card, was the grammar requirements of the test. Things such as punctuation, spelling (I am a horrible speller), and most importantly syntax. It is especially difficult for me to make improvements in this area because I am not a native speaker. :( This is why I am particularly interested in corrections regarding the grammatical structure of my writing. I am sure that my essay is far from perfect in all other areas, but it seems that biggest obstacle at the moment is my grammar skills. Ill be posting few essays in the next couple of days. Thank you so much for your feedback!!

Many childhood experiences leave lifelong impressions on people. Write an essay in which you describe a memorable childhood experience its effect on your life.

Some experiences in childhood may leave lifelong impressions. The best of these events have the power to shape our lives, and provoke life style changes that influence us for the better. Hiking and camping with my parents for a first time when I was young was one such positive experience. I was a ten years old kid at the time, who was mostly interested in playing video games, and had no desire to explore the mountains. My mother and father usually had a tough time forcing me to go out of the house, so convincing me to spend a week hiking was naturally difficult. However, our best friends, another family with a son who had such introverted tendencies, joined forces with my parents and finally we all went on the trip. The following week, I fondly remember as one of the best weeks in my childhood. On the second day we camped out near a lake surrounded by a dense forest. I had never been in areas so further away from a densely populated city. The lake was calm, there were only a few fisherman near by. We got to see wild deer and even a fox darting across the bushes. The surrounding mountains were beautiful. All of a sudden, for a first time I felt truly relaxed, and I realized that there was so much nervousness and stress in me that I never knew I had before. Within a few days all of my worries had left me, and I even felt sorry that my vacation will soon be over. I cannot say that after I got back home I stopped playing video games, but I did change my old ways for the better. I continue going to the mountains to this day. Ever since that week I have always been drawn to remote places as a way to recharge and reconnect with nature. Nowadays, whenever I go to a foreign country, I am often interested in exploring hiking trails. My lifestyle has definitely changed a lot since the time I was a teenager. It all started from a single trip to the mountains in my youth.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Aug 12, 2010   #2
Some experiences in childhood may leave lifelong impressions.

Don't repeat the prompt.
You can start like -- Some events have the power...

Hiking and camping with my parents for athe first time when I was young was one such positive experience

I was a ten-year-old kid at the time

near by

"Nearby" is one word.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 14, 2010   #3
After this sentence, I think you should add a thesis statement that intriguingly expresses the main theme of the essay:
My mother and father usually had a tough time forcing me to go out of the house, so convincing me to spend a week hiking was naturally difficult. (add thesis sentence, a sentence that you would use if you were only allowed to write one sentence instead of a whole essay).

Know what I mean? And then this would be the beginning of paragraph 2:
However, our best friends, another family with a...

Here is a nice change to make:
All of a sudden, for a first time I felt truly relaxed, and I realized that there was had been so much nervousness and stress in me that I never knew I had.

If you can connect the mountain theme with your chosen area of study or professional field, it will be even more impressive.


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