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Cbest Essay - Missing Opportunity in Life


elainedlcruz 11 / 25  
Sep 21, 2009   #1
Hi

I hope someone can help me out with my essay. Thanks in advance for al the help.

Write an essay about you or someone you know who missed an opportunity that he/she regretted in life.

Last year, I received a call from my college friend, Johnny. He called my cellphone to express how much he regretted his cousin's death. All I had in mind was to tell him, "Live your life so that your days will not be full of regrets". It has been over a month, yet, he could forget the death of his cousin, Bob. He told me that there were nights he would wake up and blame himself for being intoxicated with alcohol on the night of the tragedy. If only he was not drunk, he would not gone beyond the limit of pushing Bob to far in the water. Or maybe, he could have saved him from drowning since he was a good swimmer and a surfer.

On a hot and sunny summer, Johnny surprised Bob with a new surfboard. It was Bob's first surfboard since he grew up in Japan. Johnny and Bob planned a long weekend drive from Daytona to Miami Beach. He promised Bob to teach him basic strokes to keep him moving along the waves. They both had a wonderful moment driving along the road. Bob loved sun bathing while Johnny loved surfing. Everything went just right the way they planned it. They stopped by the seafood restaurant and drank a bottle of beer. They took magnificient shots of the coast during sunset. At night, they walked together and made some bonfire. Bob was pretty exhausted so he told Johnny he wanted to call it the night. Johnny on the otherhand, wanted to drink more beer and was left by himself. He drank and drank and was unable to control himself anymore. Thus, he woke up Bob and invited him to practice how to surf. Bob was hesitant since it would be his first time. Johnny was very persistent so he gave in to his invitation.

No one knew a tragedy was about to happen. The sea was calm and the sky was clear. Johnny was a great swimmer and a surfer. He won numerous award in his school. Bob placed his complete trust and faith to Johnny that nothing bad will happen to him. Bob was able to surf with a few unbalanced moves yet and was having fun. Suddenly, a riptide swooved him down in his surfboard. He told Johnny to that they both need to get some rest and continue surfing in the morning. Johnny however, was too obnovious to listen. His drunkenness was unbearable. Bob got out of the cold water when Johnny pulled and dragged him back to the waves.

Soon Bob was taken away out of the surfboard. Johnny did not bother reaching for Bob. He taught it was just a trick to convince him to get out of the water. Suddenly the unexpected riptide pushed Bob farther away. It was not a large wave but Bob started drowning. Johnny was still caught unaware that Bob needed help. So he ignored Bob's plea for help. Then Bob was nowhere to be found maybe for about 3-5 minutes. The next thing Johnny remembered was bringing Bob's frozen body in the hospital. It was too late, the doctors was not able to revive Bob.

Truly, there are a lot of opportunities in our lives. We are given the choice to live each day without regrets. My friend had his own which he regretted so much. It was too late for him to realize that alcohol impairs his judgment. He missed out the opportunity of saving his cousin's life. Poor Johnny, he surely learned his own lesson in a hard way.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 21, 2009   #2
he could forget the death

could not forget?

Soon Bob was taken away out of the surfboard. Johnny did not bother reaching for Bob. He taught it was just a trick to convince him to get out of the water. Suddenly the unexpected riptide pushed Bob farther away. It was not a large wave but Bob started drowning. Johnny was still caught unaware that Bob needed help. So he ignored Bob's plea for help. Then Bob was nowhere to be found maybe for about 3-5 minutes. The next thing Johnny remembered was bringing Bob's frozen body in the hospital. It was too late, the doctors was not able to revive Bob.

Your over-reliance on a single, weak verb is bad. Combined with an almost uniform sentence structure for each of your thoughts, and it is much like reading something written by an elementary school student. Vary your sentence structures and lengths, and use stronger verbs, not just in the this paragraph, but throughout the entire essay, and then repost.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 22, 2009   #3
I'm concerned about the organization of this essay. I think that you are being too complicated by going back and forth in time as you do. That is an advanced technique in creative writing, but just sows confusion here. In a CBEST essay, they are looking for a clear thesis supported by evidence. Your evidence is the story, but your thesis gets lost in the narrative. The narrative itself is confusing, due to the time shifts.
OP elainedlcruz 11 / 25  
Sep 24, 2009   #4
HI,

I just wanted to ask if this idea would a good start in revising my essay. The previous essay was dealing more on my friend and cousin. I guess it will be easier for me to revise it by just narrating that the event happened to me instead of my friend.

I was thinking of just stating "I could not forget the day my cousin died."
and my thesis statements are as follows

- I got too drunk
- I pushed my cousin to his limit
- I did not save his life

Thanks
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 24, 2009   #5
Writing about the event as if it happened to you will indeed make it easier for you to craft a moving, compelling narrative. You will still need to use strong verbs and varied sentence structure, though, and time shifts may still be a problem. Also, there is a good chance others will strongly urge you not to claim the story as your own because it is dishonest. I personally don't think it much matters given the intended audience, but you should be aware that some people may take offense at the notion.


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