I need a feedback to my essay, please!
Write about an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life. What made him or her special? How did their life impact yours in a positive or negative way?
Mr. Taylor
Everybody has someone who played a role model in his or her life. The most common persons are parents and teachers. In many cases, students prefer to use their teachers as a model rather than their parents because they believe that parents' advise is always against their whishes. I remember the fight with my parents who had constantly a different idea than me about my problems. I tried all the time to have someone as a model, someone who can be my life's star. The person whom encountered the most in my life was Mr. Taylor.
As a math teacher, Mr. Taylor was exceptional. His talent to teach student and to transmit knowledge to others was fantastic. However, I had a few math teachers but only Mr. Taylor was the only one who knew it how to make students to love math. Not only his students respected him but also his colleagues. Every day in the morning, he was in his classroom ready to help any student before school starts. Moreover, his talent and style created a learning atmosphere every day in class. I remember, for example, one day when I could not solve any problem of the homework. I got up early than usual in the following day and I pleased my parents to drop me to the school as soon as they could. Mr. Taylor was there ready to work with me one-by-one until I finally understood the topic and I was able to solve the homework. His talent as a teacher terrified me.
Always strait and well dressed, Mr. Taylor spread into entire classroom a respectful attitude. His warm and calm voice dominated the class and nobody disturbed him from the lesson. Additionally, he had a particular method for any student who tried to disturb the class. The most used method was to call the student who did not pay attention to his lesson and let him or her to continue to teach the class for an "A" or to receive a "F" and parents meeting in the next day. On the other hand, Mr. Taylor used many techniques to keep us busy during class time. Furthermore, he always used life examples to attract our attention and his jokes made us to remember the example later during homework or tests. Everybody respected him because he respected everyone.
Mr. Taylor inspired me and I wanted to become a teacher. I tried many times to copy his style and methods in my class but I wasn't capable to reach his level. I always used his advice not only in solving math problems but also the life problems. Mr. Taylor was a very special person who encountered in my life and I will never forget him. His spirit follow and help me as he is always next to me.
Everybody has someone who played a role model in his or her life..
You can delete all of the above, as it has nothing really to do with answering the prompt.
For the rest of your essay, it suffers from an overabundance of weak verbs. So, I suggest you read this article about proper verbs, then revise your essay to eliminate as many weak verbs as possible, especially forms of "to be" such as "is, was, were, are." Once you have done that, post the revised version here for further feedback.
In addition to Sean's excellent advice, let me offer a couple of specific fixes:
one-on -one
His talent as a teacher awed me. (Unless you were actually very frightened.)
While you are making your verbs stronger, be sure to keep your verb tense consistent!
Also, I notice that the prompt asks about an unforgettable person. I wonder if there was anything distinctive about the way that Mr. Taylor dressed, acted, or spoke that would help us to imagine him more clearly.
Thank you for your feedback! Here is a new version of my essay! Thank you in advance for your next advice!
However, I had a few math teachers, but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math.
Always straight-laced and well dressed, Mr. Taylor spread into entire classroom a respectful attitude to the entire class .
His ties reminded me of the old cartoon network personages.
I like that detail!
Uhhhh, I hate to be forward, but I would drop the essay and begin anew.
You're focusing far too much on the social atmosphere that inculcated in you, this "awe" of him.
Why not help us understand how he impacted you as a person, first by explaining what you found to be special about him on a personal level.
He impacted you positively to be sure, but which qualities or aspects of his personality appealed to you, and influenced you, that you make an effort to embody them yourself, today?
You left out the proof of his impact on you, as an aside.
That's not a bad idea. Why not start fresh, with a vivid description of the man followed by a discussion of his impact on you?
Thank you Simone and Mustafa1991 for your advices! I change it the body of the essay following your directions and here is what I have done. Please let me know if this new version fit better to the topic. Thank you!
Write about an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life. What made him or her special? How did their life impact yours in a positive or negative way?
Mr. Taylor
I like the new details that you've added about Mr. Taylor.
A few corrections:
I had a few math teachers, but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math.
Every day in the morning, he could be found in his classroom ready to help any student before school started .
I tried many times to copy his style and methods in my class, but I was not capable to reach his level.
Mr. Taylor played a very special role in my life, and I will never forget his model.
In those last two, notice that you had two complete sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction. In order to avoid a run-on sentence, place a comma before the coordinating conjunction.
You are making progress. You still need to work on being more specific and detailed though:
"Always strait-laced and well dressed, Mr. Taylor spread a respectful attitude to the entire class." Why would he come to class in a tux? Or was he not that well-dressed? Do you see how the term doesn't really do much, descriptively? You do sort of go on to mention the tie, but the comparison needs some actual description welded to it if it is to stand up properly.
"blue eyes, like Michelangelo's paint, " I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Michelangelo used several shades of blue in his painting.
"Hi had a remarkable talent to teach student and to transmit knowledge to others. I had a few math teachers but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math." That's wonderful. Now, how about you tell us how he did this? Imagine that you were trying to explain this to another teacher that you wanted to be more like Mr. Taylor.
And so on. Keep making your essay more descriptive, and it will keep improving.
Thank you for this feedback to both of you! I made some changes and I added a few details.
Please look over and let me know if that draft is better.
Thank you!
You are to be commended for putting so much effort into your work. Now, I would suggest you delete the first paragraph, which isn't really necessary, and start revising the rest of the essay for grammar. Here are some fixes to get you started:
"Mr. Taylor wasA very Sociable person, extrovert, sensitive, and profound, Mr. Taylor, my _ grade math teacher, greatly influenced my personal development. "
As an exceptional math teacher, Mr. Taylor was exceptional. He had a remarkable talent to teach student and tofor transmitting knowledge to others."
"I got up earlier than usual in the following day and I plead ed with my parents to drop me to the school as soon as they could."
Notice: Several people have now repeatedly told you to omit that first paragraph, which says nothing. That's good advice. Take it.
