Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanners and CCTV have significantly enhance our safety and security, while others feel that gave resulted in loss of privacy
Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?
As the world is changing, technology plays an important role for people lives. Even some people say that they cannot live without using technology. Humans think technological tools can improve their safety and keep them from frauds, for example body scanners and close circuit television (CCTV). However, other people believe that his tools will disturb them, even they lose personal right.
Development of technology can result negative effect for human beings. Mankind will feel less convenient because they always are monitored in every activity. This is not fair in right of a person. For example, many companies provide CCTV in every side of room. This aims to control work activities among their employees. As a result, the employees must be careful and reduce their creativity in working. In conclusion, this technological tool has disadvantage particularly for workers in some factories.
Conversely, I strongly believe that technology devices such as CCTV and also body scanners have more benefits for humans. Take Japan and Singapore as an example, both countries have CCTV in every side of street and public places. This has been done to reduce criminal rate in these counties. In addition, we can look at the Airport; there are some places which have body scanners before entering to Airport. The passengers will be inspected by functionary of airport whether they bring danger tools or something which can be harmful for people's safety.
To sum up, while some people say that technological devices have horrible effect for human beings, I completely believe that many societies feel advantages of technology, in particular at the public places where it is needed CCTV to reduce crime rites in cities.
I am going to give you some suggestions on how you can improve your essay. I feel that your essay could be organized differently. For example, you discuss CCTV in the 2nd paragraph and discuss it in the 3rd paragraph. You could discuss CCTV only in the second paragraph. Then you could compare how body scanners differ in the 3rd paragraph.
Ex:
1) Opening Paragraph
2) Discuss CCTV
3) Discuss body Scanners
4) Conclusion
The next 3 sentences in the 2nd paragraph seems to fit in the first paragraph of the essay. However, the first three sentences in the 3rd paragraph fit within the 2nd paragraph.
I will give you some helpful grammatical changes later.
I have suggested more changes to help you with meaning for your essay. I hope these changes will make your essay better.
Grammar changes:
1st paragraph:
1st sentence: "...important role in people's lives."
2nd sentence: Delete even and start the sentence with, "Some".
Last sentence: Are you trying to state that those tools or devices will make people lose their personal rights?
2nd paragraph:
When you state the example of the CCTV, you need to put "the" before room.
I would replace in conclusion with "Thus", because the paragraph needs more information that discusses CCTV. You should use the same transition word when describing Japan and Singapore. Here is the revision:
"For example, Japan and Singapore are both countries that have CCTV on every side of the street and in public places." Change criminal rate to crime rates.
3rd paragraph: Airport should be all lowercase letters. Change "to airport" to "the airport". I'm unsure if you want to use airport security rather than functionary.
4th paragraph: This is a good transition to use, but it is commonly used as, "In summary". Change part of this sentence to: "...a horrible effect on..." The ending of the essay needs to be revised completely. There should be more than one sentence to summarize. When you begin to discuss the public places that have CCTV, you should form another sentence. Also, you forgot to mention body scanners.
