celebrities are not known from their achievements
Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Nowadays, an increasing number of people become celebrities because of their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements. However, while I agree that it has a negative impact on a teenager, I believe that some celebrities still act as a role model.
On the one hand, there are various reasons why people may argue that some celebrities are a bad example for young people. First of all, celebrities become popular due to their fancy, wealth and glamorous lifestyles instead of outstanding achievement so that teenagers envies and desire those lifestyles, which becomes a negative influence on the teenager. Another reason is that the celebrities are not only acting talents below the average compared others celebrities, but also showing something which is not useful to teenagers with a bright future, and therefore this makes sensation to the public. For example, A CROWD group, two young YouTuber Jian-Neon and Andy, who are a couple in Taiwan, always post videos which shows mischief less of their acting. Finally, celebrities' hedonistic lifestyles negatively influence young people because this may cause that young people to "enjoy their life" instead of hard work.
On the other hand, the negatively influence arguments given above can be considered from the opposite angle. Firstly, movie or sports stars become celebrities through incredible acts and outstanding performance, which plays an important role model and has a positive impact on a teenager. Secondly, if celebrities have strong determination and hard work to get a masterpiece of article creative, they would be recognized by the public and obtain great achievements. An example is that a director from an act is Amir Khan, who has become a world famous Bollywood celebrity through his inspirational and creative movies instead of his wealth or attractive personality. Finally, celebrities have creativity, innovation, and abilities can inspire adolescents, even changing in their life for good.
In conclusion, although celebrities' glamour and wealth may lead to negative example to young people, from my point of view, I wholeheartedly agree that some celebrities who have outstanding performance would have a positive impact on adolescents.
Allen, there are two problems with this essay, The first, is your response to the prompt requirement. The second, is the lack of clarity in your discussions. Let's address these problems one at a time below.
The prompt paraphrase is asking you to deliver a measured response to the agree or disagree statement. The error lies in the following:
Original question : To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your Response: ... while I agree that it has a negative impact on a teenager, I believe that some celebrities still act as a role model.
Appropriate Response: I partially agree with the aforementioned statement due to several reasons.
The measured response is important because it shows the examiner that you know how to use "emotional" words to describe your opinion. Based on your original statement, it appears that you have a measured, half and half opinion of the given statement which is why I formatted the more appropriate response in the aforementioned manner.
Now, let's address the clarity problem in your discussion.
Your second paragraph sounds like a badly translated presentation of a paragraph that was originally written in your native tongue. It is obvious that you were thinking in a different language and then using English alternative words as you know these to be, without consideration of the proper word usage and how it applies to the statement you wish to make. Hence the confusing presentation of ideas in this paragraph. You need to work on sentence clarity, That can only be achieved by having you familiarize yourself with more English words and its correct meaning for proper application to your paragraphs.
Now, while using examples that are familiar to you help to illustrate your meaning, when your reasoning sentences are problematic and not easily understandable, presenting country specific examples that may not be familiar to the examiner will not help your essay. It is best to use generalized examples for that part so that the examiner can develop a better idea of what you are trying to say.