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[IELTS] cellphone and Internet are harmful to people health, why we use? how to do?


kelp0308 4 / 15  
Mar 29, 2011   #1
It is obvious that excessive use of modern technology products, such as mobile phones and Information highway is detrimental to the people both physically and psychologically. But there are still a multitude of users of these equipments. In this essay, I will analyze the reasons, and give my suggestions as well.

Apparently, modern technology in this day and age enables us to lead a more comfortable and more efficient life. With the widespread use of mobile phones, for instance, people can communicate with each other at lower expense in terms of time and money, both for business demands and for recreational pursuits. It also economizes us a lot when we speak to friends or family members who are living far from us.

In addition to convenience, we also benefit a lot from the appearance of Internet in terms of acquiring knowledge and information. From the aspect of educators, Internet affords children with infinite knowledge to learn which certainly cover all existent subjects and disciplines. It is not uncommon to see that youngsters have already adapted to search for materials through Google and Yahoo online. Furthermore, the videos and lectures, such as the open course of MIT, can be accessed via Internet connection for free. Only with these high-tech advances could the students all over the world share the precious educational resources. Based on these merits, it is really unreasonable for people to give up the Internet as we cannot find the replacement.

In spite of so many advantages, I admit the harmfulness to human health. Therefore, we have a lot of to do to alleviate the negative effect. First, people should avoid using cell phones abusively. Second, spending some time on outdoor activities with friends is good option to keep fit. Last, it is the parents' obligation to monitor and regulate their children's behavior, protecting them from being addicted to computer games or pornographic contents from internet. [317]

plz help me with the writing? thanks.

jco19 1 / 9  
Mar 29, 2011   #2
I have striked out errors to be removed and bolded corrections in red.

It is obvious that excessive use of modern technology products, such as mobile phones and the Information highway (if you mean the internet you might want to specifically state that) is detrimental to the people both physically and psychologically. ButHowever, there are still a multitude of users of these equipments (this sentence is confusing, try to clarify better). In this essay, I will analyze the reasons, and give my suggestions as well. (avoid mentioning "in this essay," and instead try to develop a stronger thesis statement that summarizes what your essay is about)

Apparently , M odern technology in this day and age enables us to lead a more comfortable and more efficient life. With the widespread use of mobile phones, for instance, people can communicate with each other at lower expense in terms of time and money, both for business demands and for recreational pursuits. It also economizes us a lot when we speak to friends or family members who are living far from us.

In addition to convenience, we also benefit a lot from the appearance of the Internet in terms of acquiring knowledge and information. From the aspect of educators, Internet affords children with an infinite amount of knowledge to learn, which certainly coversall existentmany subjects and disciplines. It is not uncommon to see that youngsters have already adapted to search for materials through search engines such as Google and Yahoo online . Furthermore, the videos and lectures, such as the open course of MIT, can be accessed via Internet connection for free. Only with these high-tech advances could the students all over the world share the precious educational resources. Based on these merits, it is really unreasonable for people to give up the Internet as we cannot find thea replacement.

In spite of so many advantages, I admit the harmfulness to human health (elaborate here, specifically stating what is harming human health). Therefore, we have a lot of to do to alleviate the negative effect. First, people should avoid using cell phones abusively. Second, spending some time on outdoor activities with friends is a good option to keep fit. Last, it is the parents' obligation to monitor and regulate their children's behavior, protecting them from being addicted to computer games or pornographic contents from the internet. [317]

Overall I think it's good, but try to develop a stronger thesis statement and clarify some sentences.

Hopefully this helps. Good luck!
findthetime 5 / 9  
Mar 29, 2011   #3
HMM,my own view..not professional.
I think the respects in "why" is too much and "how" is much less..
and I think the 3rd paragraph can be put into 2rd too...and clarify it with top sentenses.
well..personal idea.
OP kelp0308 4 / 15  
Mar 30, 2011   #4
Maybe, but if I put the 3rd paragraph into the 2rd, it seems too long...kind of unbalanced.

By the way, what do you mean by "clarifying it"? Could you point out it and give your
advice?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 31, 2011   #5
In the first paragraph, you can improve the clarity of your message by explaining HOW it is "detrimental to the people both physically and psychologically." ----(Also, you do not need "the" before people unless you are talking about a specific group of people.)

The BEST way to improve clarity is to write a sentence that sums up -- in a single sentence -- the main message of the essay. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Tack it right on to the end.

:-) Do that, and the whole essay will be much clearer.
Also, I think you can take out the word "apparently." It does not seem to fit.


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