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toefl Essay What the 21century will bring

Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 17, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I think my essay is not logically written, but i would like to prepare for the exam next month
Help me!

The question is that

The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think the new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer.

In my view, there are a great variety of changes in the 21st century. They are mostly concerned with technologies adopted by military, agriculture and education. Considering these three factors, the world will become more different and fashionable than that which occurs in the past.

To begin with, many modern weapons are produced to protect people from threats by neighboring countries. In the past, when a war occurred, people had to immediately seek shelter or migrated to other places and left things burned down by enemies. However, with modern weapons such as a radar station, people have enough time to pack belongings ready to temporary settle down in other areas.

What 's more, many advanced technologies are brought in to do people a good favor. In the past, people had to use animals to do agricultural works in a paddy field, which is time-consuming. However, with modern vehicles such as an electric harvester, people are confident about their gathering crops in a prompt and effective way.

More important, a great number of computer-based technologies are used in a university to facilitate learning and teaching. Many days ago, students had trouble looking for materials. They had to go to a school for searching for their wanted textbooks. With new technologies such as internet, students find it easy to read materials by sitting on front of the screen and click on websites containing useful knowledge, which are more effective than the way to do it in the past.

In conclusion, we have experienced a lot of changes in the world's history. We have more effective weapons to maintain sovereignty of each country, create new approaches to speed up the agricultural products and make it easy for students who live in a remote area to study as do city residents.
birzhanfm 5 / 14  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
"different and fashionable "How education,military and agriculture will make us more fashionable?
which occured
"They had to go to a school for searching for their wanted textbooks"redundant sentence.You can eliminate "their wanted"
...for city residents.probably.
Your approach is intersting. I think that content of the essay does not matter at TOEFL.As long as you write in english. Though it should make a little sense.)

Flow of your essay is good, because of transitional phrases like to begin with,what's more.
Generally your essay is good)
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
I know that my essay is not coherent, but could you tell me how to write the introduction.
i really need it to further improve my writing skill
birzhanfm 5 / 14  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
I am not sure ,but I'd compare 21st century with 20th.I'd say:
despite innovative inventions, 20th century was full of violence and cruelty. Milliards of people suffred from wars,hunger and illeteracy. I hope that people will learn from the past and will try to make some improvents in military,agricultural and educational systems.

I think it is not so good, but it is not bad)
blue54 1 / 1  
Dec 19, 2009   #5
More importantly

. They had to go to school to search for....

by sitting in front of the screen ...

in remote areas
From your essay, I can see you use this structure many times:"with modern weapons","with modern vehicles", "With new technologies ". It's ok but I think if you use different structures with the same meaning,it'll be better,and not boring.^^ For example,you can say " thanks to new technologies...",etc.
lucidmanner 2 / 6  
Dec 19, 2009   #6
I think Keng firstly you should look for a good body of essay, which is

1) Introduction about topic
2 &3 ) Reason to support your answer
4) Conclusion or Your own views

Before you start writing Note at least 3 reasons or factors to support your answer and then start explaining them 1 by 1.

In above essay you just focused on Technologies but didn't explain them well. I give a clue and you write it again..

First Para, Introduction-- Today what we are doing what we used not to do?
Second and third Para, Next century will take us to mars , people will live there, People will become more civilized, Education system would be completely different, WE will reach from one place to another more quickly....

Last Para conclusion, What do u think now what exactly would happen? Conclusion is,in fact, a broad picture of 1,2 & 3 para.

Follow this 4 para rule in every essay
if you want to look for any example then you can look them in my essays
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 19, 2009   #7
Thank you for your good feedback. I have more ideas to write an essay logically.

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