Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Since 20th century, some countries have started exploring the space


Saputra Putra 23 / 10 6  
Feb 7, 2016   #1
Some people argue that space exploration has had more to do with national pride than international effort. To what extent do you agree with this? How do you think space exploration will change in the future?

Since 20th century, some countries have started exploring the space as this aims international effort. While it is utterly unacceptable since majority countries carry out this occasion only for their pride, I would argue in the future people will leave behind this program and concern in people's welfare.

With concern in making their countries superior, some of governments do their best in space exploration albeit countries' income should be cut off. Anhar Gonggong, a well-known Indonesian historian, states that all developed countries compete in order to achieve a title as the most powerful country in this world. Taking cold war as sample, between 1947 and 1991, two fascinating countries which were America and Uni soviet performed their latest modern space breakthrough with aims to leave behind each other. This results in America being a well-known as the superpower country which had successfully landed in the moon. From such occasion, I believe this notion only brings benefit for national pride than international scale.

Money is the main problem for such exploration. Wasting a great number of budgets is a pivotal consideration why worldwide governments have to think twice funding annual project. Norm Augustine, team leader of President Barack Obama's staff for space exploration, said NASA experiencing budget problems. In Forthcoming era, I believe people over the world tend to spend their countries' income through communities' welfare than carrying out space exploration.

In conclusion, countries which explore the space only bring the prestigious awards for their nation rather than international importance. In any case, people will be bound to leave their dream in space exploration because of money needed.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 7, 2016   #2
Ahmad, your written composition is so confusing in content that it makes my head hurt just reading what you have said because frankly, it doesn't make sense. You are so focused on using emotional and big words without paying attention to the effect it has on your essay. Your flow of thought is hindered by the fact that you are trying to impress the reviewer with your vocabulary and pop culture knowledge instead of making him believe that you understand the prompt and that you will be able to explain yourself clearly in the process.

This is an essay that will definitely garner a 3 or 4 at the most. The terms that you use are wrong. For instance it is "The Soviet Union", not "Uni Soviet". Then there is the instance of you saying that "While it is utterly unacceptable since majority countries carry out this occasion only for their pride" , you never actually explain why you feel so strongly about this in the essay. Also, you do not have to say "utterly unacceptable" , that is an exaggeration. You could simply say "It is unacceptable." Words like "utterly", "strongly", etc. should only be used in extreme situations such as "The comment utterly destroyed his chances" or "He strongly opposed the law because..." The use of the word depends upon the circumstance. It is not necessary to keep using such strong emotional descriptions for simple discussions.


Home / Writing Feedback / Since 20th century, some countries have started exploring the space