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IELTS: In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important


alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 12, 2012   #1
Topic: "In certain cultures old age is considered to be more important while in others it's the opposite, children are thought to be more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

Every cultures and society consist of varied mixture of different age group people.Since many years, it has been a controversial topic to identify what age group rendered most towards society welfare. Some people think that young people is indispensable for the development of the society. Whereas, others, whilst may content that older people's contribution towards better society is colossal.

Admittedly, old people holds galore information and invaluable experience in many spheres of life. The fact that they are exposed to the real world for a good amount of year, make them perfectly capable and eligible for upholding the overall responsibility to make the society a better place to live in.

Furthermore , it cannot be denied that old people not only carry imperative qualities such as good morals and ethics, truthfulness, sincerely and respect, but also act as a pristine source in imparting or inheriting such qualities to young people. Moreover, it is also true that adolescents maintain discipline and decorum because they are being controlled and guided by elders.

However, young people are the future of society. It is excepted that younger generation are very assertive in nature, physically and mentally stronger and dedicated to their goals and aims. Since they are recent graduates from colleges, their mind is fresh, capable of innovative and out of box thinking and updated with the latest technological skills and information.Such important qualities are obligatory to boost the society's economy. They are boon to the society.

To sum up, I would concede that people from all age group is important to society.Each age group people has their unique role and hold equal shares of responsibilities towards the progress of society.

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Apr 12, 2012   #2
Every cultures and society consists of varied mixture of different age group people...
SinceFor many years, it has been a controversial topic to identify what age group rendered most towardswas most deserving of society welfare...
Some people think that young people isare indispensable for the development of the society. Whereas, others contend that older people's contribution towards better society is colossal...

Admittedly, old people holds galoreIt is no secret that older people hold volumes of information and invaluable experience...
The fact that they are exposed to the real world for a good amount of year, make them perfectly capable and eligible for upholding the overall responsibility to make the society a better place to live in...< This last sentence is very nicely put:)

It is exceptedaccepted that younger generation...
To sum up, I would concede that people from all age group is important to society.Each age group people hasPeople of every age have their unique role and hold equal shares of responsibilities towards the progress of society.

Good job and good luck :)
OP alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 12, 2012   #3
Many thanks Susan..
I can see that re-framing the sentences with your version, really increases the readability of essay and makes it more beautiful.
Thanks for pointing out the grammatical error and spelling mistakes, your feedback is really helpful
xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 13, 2012   #4
Hi alirulez,

Some people think that young people is indispensable for the development of the society. Whereas , others, whilst may content that older people's contribution towards better society is colossal.

1. We contrast facts and ideas between sentences using expressions such as However, By contrast, On the other hand, etc. We contrast facts and ideas within a sentence using words such as whereas and while. - extract from IELTS TRAINER page 43 (Hashemi and Thomas)

Here "whereas" should change to "However" if you change the "full stop" after the society to "coma" then whereas can stay.

2. "whilst may" personally speaking, should be deleted.

Therefore, the following is my attempt:

While some people believe that the young is indispensable for the development of the society, others claim that the seniors' contribution to the society is more significant. that's the position, you support the older generation is more valuable to the society.
OP alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 13, 2012   #5
Wow !!!
Great Thanks Mate.. Never gave a thought to this. This is really helpful , will keep in mind for my future essays.
Overall, what you think about this essay. How much would I be able to score with this one.

And one more question.. What you recommend for "IELTS Trainer", I had gone through many books, so would wait for a correct review before going through this.
OP alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 14, 2012   #6
Hi,

I think your essay is pretty good. Although I found many awkward framing of sentences and grammatical errors at places, but still I was able to understand your ideas well.

Your first 3 paragraphs were ok, but the 4th was quite unclear to me.
I had done some correction to the first 3 para, similarly you can try to correct your 4th and conclusion para as well.

On more point, the last sentence in your second para is little off the track. Your points were well convincing in the whole 2nd para, but you concluded in the end that "respests for elders are justifiable because of so and so reason". But the topic says why old people or young people are important, and not why we respect elders. There's actually a very minor difference but could cost your band score. So its safe to not meander off the essay topic .



OP alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 14, 2012   #7
xyx0905
Many thanks.
As always, your advise and suggestions are very helpful.
xyx0905 16 / 49  
Apr 14, 2012   #8
Hi alirulez,

you are welcome. we always learn from each other and share our experience. :-)

all the best.

Cheers
y0_3mma 19 / 28 6  
Apr 19, 2012   #9
I know you may find it 'uncanny' to give your opinion everytime, but they ask for it, so it is ok to say 'i believe, i think'.

and you say people are this noun is followed by the plural form of the verb, ok? you need to get used with it.
OP alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 20, 2012   #10
Hi Luca,

Thanks for your valuable feedback.
But I do not concur with you regarding the structure of the essay. Most of the IELTS essay topics says to discuss both the viewpoint and give your opinion.

I am sure that it does not mean to give opinion in every para. On the contrary, it means that we need to discuss on both the sides and later in the conclusion para we should present our opinion.
OP alirulez 3 / 21  
Apr 21, 2012   #11
No worries, Emma
Yes this structure is perfect. I should present my stand in the introduction para also,

Yes, I had been through this web-site, and I too found it to be very useful.

Regards,
Ali Sayed
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Apr 25, 2012   #12
No problem!! My pleasure :)


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