Certain talents, for instance for music and sport - acquired or learned?

IELTS Task 02 Special Talents

It's generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for music and sport, and others are not. However, it's sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that special talents are usually accompanied with people from the moment they were born while others support the idea that anyone can be trained to acquire special talents. This essay will discuss reasons behind both views.

On the one hand, some children are noticed to have exceptional skills from a very young age although they were not exposed to any training. such as kids who draw paintings that are as beautiful as those of professional artists. Moreover, many kids show impressive mental skills such as fast problem solving. Such skills are hard to be gained as sharp as the gifted ones have by practice. To illustrate, when those kids compete with others who had distinct training, normally, the kids that were gifted from birth are the winners.

On the other hand, many great talented people declared that hard work and persistence are the main reasons behind their success, Such as Mohammed Ali the professional boxer. Furthermore, most gifted people have mentors on their sides so they get the guidance needed to reach their full potentials and keep a healthy growth. For instance, many professional musicians practice consistently with their mentors to improve themselves and get the admiration of the audience. Additionally, some talented people might choose a path that their talents will not be of a great assistance to them in it and eventually make it for example, remarkable football players who change their careers after retirement and make it by developing new skills that fit their next step.

To conclude, although many people might be born with special talents, practice is the key to perfection. Thus I believe that by passion, hard work, and persistence we can create miracles.

I think that you did use many savvy words such as persistence, declared, miracles and they are great.
However, you have to rephrase more, use more highly academical words and avoid from reusing 1 word :

"Some people believe that special talents are usually ..." >>>>>> While some individuals advocate that unique talents are frequently accompanied with innate, special abilities, the others oppose that everyone can be trained to absorb the savvy, sophisticated talents.

=> the word 'special' is used twice

You should give more explanation for your examples such as :
Mohammed Ali, the professional boxer, who had to endure many difficulties in life, for instance.
Do not give an example and change to the new one without explanation

Besides, you wrote 331 words. For me, this number is quite high. Great one is approximately 260.

This is another example of a 5 paragraph essay that became tangential in response because of a misrepresentation of the original prompt. The instruction is as follows:

OP: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
YP: This essay will discuss reasons behind both views.

You turned the 3 body paragraph discussion into a 2 paragraph discussion because you discussed both points of view from your private perspective. That private perspective was implied because you said you would discuss both points of view. You never said you would offer your own opinion after the required comparison discussion. The personal point of view cannot be included as a single sentence in the conclusion since the conclusion is the reverse summary of the body of paragraphs. Unfortunately, that is what you did in this essay, so the essay will have several mark downs all around.