Here is the question, can someone feedback my essay below, need quick improvement! My test is due next week! Thanks guys
Nowadays, people change their appearance by dying hair, buying fashionable clothes, wearing make-ups and even undergoing plastic surgery.
What are the reasons?
Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Many people now place more importance on their appearances by coloring their hair, being fashionable, wearing make-up and even undergoing plastic surgery. This is down to the influences of the media and advertisement. In my view, this is a negative development.
One of the factors influencing people to change their appearance is celebrity. People adore some famous personalities and thanks to the proliferation of internet, it makes even easier for people to access information about famous artist. They mostly have colored hair, put a heavy make-up and wear expensive clothes. Some celebrities, such as Korean, even undergo plastic surgery to gain more popularity. People as their fans want to look like them and therefore they follow their footsteps. Another impacting factor is advertisement. People are bombarded with many advertisements of cosmetic, fashion, and make up. This is unconsciously setting up a standard of beauty in their mind. As a result, they buy products to become the image of endorser in the ads.
However, this is clearly a negative development. The image of beauty should not be influence by outside factor. All women are gorgeous as they already are with their natural hair color and without heavy make up. In Indonesia, a woman wearing a traditional costume with simple make up and black hair is considered as a natural beauty. Additionally, frequent heavy make-up could lead into various skin problems, namely pimple and skins breakout. Furthermore, plastic surgery needs a costly maintenance. If people could not afford it, then they will borrow some money and they could run up a debt.
In conclusion, media reporting celebrities and advertisement are the reasons people change their look. However, make-up and plastic surgery potentially bring about many problems to many problems for this to be considered as positive development.
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Good work on the response, bad job on the restatement. You used the memorized reference from the original prompt word for word instead of changing the presentation to suit your English vocabulary knowledge. The idea is to present the topic to the reader based on your own understanding and word usage. You cannot use the same words from the original as that will result in a failing score based on the use of cut and paste or memorized phrases. You will immediately have a non passing score in one scoring section which will make it difficult for you to get a passing score based on the overall scoring considerations. Good job on the direct response though. You have shown that you understood the topic and how to respond to it. It is sad that the score for that section will still be non passing because of the non revised presentation part.
Good reasoning paragraphs. You clearly explained the 2 reasons why you believe this is a negative development. There are ample justifications and a properly developed discussion in each paragraph. However, the language is not perfect and still contains several GRA errors within the presentation that will affect that scoring section of your rubic.
There is a confusing portion in your concluding summary that will further affect the coherence of your presentation. This part is difficult to understand as the meaning is unclear:
make-up and plastic surgery potentially bring about many problems to many problems for this to be considered as positive development.
Did you accidentally repeat the phrase "many problems"? If so, then you need to make sure to avoid those types of mistakes in the future. Always proof read your work to ensure the high written quality of your presentation. Correct all errors that could lower your score. I am sure you will do well when you rewrite certain portions that you may think could be unclear to the reader. Revising is always beneficial to the exam taker.
the "many problems" i edited last time , sorry for that.
what do u mean by "You used the memorized reference from the original prompt word for word", should i remove "by coloring their hair, being fashionable, wearing make-up and even undergoing plastic surgery. " in the first paragraph?
Thanks for reply :)