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TOEFL: What I would change in my hometown if I could

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Everything in the universe is in constant change. We are in an innovative world. Many people have a great enterprise to change the world. If I could change one important thing about my hometown. I will improve the environment in my hometown. Because of I think a good environment is the most important thing.

A polluted environment will injure our health chronically and some of illnesses are lethally. Having a lot of money can't bring your health back. The air pollution is a serious problem in my country. It led many people have respiratory illness. Including me, it is bother me in a long time. When I am study, I was deeply affected by the running nose. Not only me, but also others have this problem. If the environment can become better that my problem will be solved.

Furthermore, a good environment will attract a lot of tourists. For one thing, tourists want to visit a beautiful place for vacation. They don't want a dirty place to go.There have many beaches in my country. But some of beaches were polluted. If the beaches become clean and develop well. I think it can be a famous place. Tourist can have a good time in my country. As a consequence, many hotel and store will be established for the tourist. Many people can find a job; students can find a part time job on their summer vacation. That will improve the economy in the community nearby.

In conclusion, a good environment will improve our health and bring my hometown to a higher prosperity level. Those beautiful places will become famous in the world. Make our people be proud of our country.

Above that, it is necessary to improve the environment.

In mi opinion you shoul check the vocabulary you are using because I found some word not ver properly according to the context ex. injure aou health, beaches become clean or develop well, and others that I am not completely sure but doesn't sound good for me.

There are also some grammar mistakes ex.

it is bother me in a long time.
it has been bothering me for a long time

When I am study, I was deeply affected by the running nose.
When I was studying I was seriously affected by my runny nose. ( and maybe you can add how did this affect you)
My teacher always recommends that you give some stadistics so it helps you to support your point and convey the reader of what you are saying is really true.

And another thing that I can tell you is that you have to check the punctuation especially after the connectors such as, because, but, and, etc try to read about comma splices and fused sentences that will help you alot.

You write with few errors! You already write in English just as well as anyone, so work on STYLE.
That first paragraph is not about "change" being the nature of things. You are writing about the environment. Do not use any sentences to talk about change in the universe. Do you know what I mean?

Create an experience for the reader, an experience of reflection on environmental concerns and the sacredness of nature.

Here is an error:
A polluted environment will injure our health chronically and some of illnesses are lethal . Use "ly" to modify a verb or adjective, but not to modify a noun like "illnesses."

You should write about specific things that make the environment beautiful. Write a sentence about the water and plant life and landscapes.
A polluted environment will injure our health chronically and some of illnesses are lethally

this sentence is a little bit awkward.

how about changing to :
a polluted environment will undermine people's health even cause lethal diseases.
  Closed ✓

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