TOEFL: Which would you change to improve your health? EXERCISE

Hi everyone! This is my first essay in Toefl English Writing. Could you please give me some suggestions about the structure and the sentences used in the essay. Much appreciated!!

"Which of the following would you change to improve your health: 1. The kind of food you eat 2. The amount of exercise 3. The amount of stress."

Asked what change I would do to improve my health, the response in the amount ofexercise has a boilerplate answer: the greatest contribution of exercises willbe to decrease the rate of several diseases, shape our body and make us moreconfident as well as get relaxed during the part time in order to enjoy abetter lifestyle.

To beginwith, regular exercise, which could decrease the fat in our body and declinethe possibility to get disease, may cause favorable changes of our healthy. Oneproperty of Chinese people eating habits at present is harmful to our ownhealth - we are used to ingested more fat than before. One thing we feel aboutwe always watch TV or surf the internet after having dinner instead ofexercising everyday. Thus, many people who are overweight and who are sufferingseveral diseases, such as high blood pressure and heart disease as well asfatty liver, are emerging around us. To loose the fat and live a better life,the first thing we should take in considerate is to take more exerciseseveryday. For example, my father had fatty liver previously. He started to dosome sports everyday instead of just controlling his diet. One year later, hisdisease was cured and he was more active and energetic than before.

Also,take some sports could equip us with better body shape and help us toaccustomed to perform one thing at a certain time. It is a kind of thing whichcould impel us to accomplish a higher goal and encourage us being moreconfident in the future. An illustrating example is my best friends' experiencethat she sticks to exercise everyday and makes her body in good shape. Finally,she not only makes her body in better shape, but gets more confidence andself-control ability.

Furthermore,doing some sports enables us to enjoy the time when we off work and wear abetter mood to do other things. The better one's mental state is in, the higherefficiency he will approach to. The better one's mental state is in, the higherefficiency he will approach to. Sporting can easily help us to relax their bodyin response toward stress, as well as release extra pressures which areencountered during the work. Finally, we will wear a better mood and be moreefficient to work on. For example, I once tried to do some sit-upsafter doing my homework, being exhausted during the entire process. But laterafter finishing exercising, I felt more energetic and active than the previoustime. Then I went on and concentrated on my working without any distraction.From then on, I insist on taking exercising everyday to maintain my efficiencyof study.

And if we can come together, have a serious, reasoned debate - not driven by prejudice- and come together around common sense and compromise, then I'm confident wewill come to take more exercise to avoid getting diseases and leave behindsomething better for our future life style. If there is anyone out there whostill doubts that taking more exercise could not improve our health, this essayis my answer.

... there are so many mistakes in this sentence. They may be typos and minor errors. However, you should make posts with better presentation if you really keen on earning more feedbacks from others. Please make a note of this when you open new threads.


To begin with, regular exercises help burn excess fat in our body that help reduce the possibility of having heart diseases, diabetes, high cholesterol, obesity etc.


You are talking about regular exercises in this body paragraphs. So give examples to support that aspect and do not go out of topic.

Also,take some sports that could equip us with better body shape and help us to (need a space here)accustomedto perform one thing at a certain time.

What do you mean by one thing at a certain time? That's not very clear :(


You are repeating the same sentence again - you need to have a more neat and tidy essay here :D
SportingSports can easily help us to relax theirbodyinresponse towardand relieve our stress, as well as release extra pressuresenergy to help us manage thingswhich areencountered during the work.

"us " refers to "our"
"them" refers to "their"