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Change is inevitable; 'What motivates people to change' - SAT ESSAY


ilovecandy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
sooo. this is my1st essay..i suck at essays the most... I don;t think my paragraphs are that developed and i repeated "better life" a lot in the 1st paragraph but anyways please give my your feedback and score thanks so much! :)

ths is only 296 words

Assignment: What motivates people to change

Change is inevitable. Throughout one's life countless changes will occur, all caused by different things; however, the most common is a desire for a better life.

One prime example is Rosa Parks. Instead of following the norm and doing what she was used to, she decided to change because she wanted a better life. When the bus got overcrowded, she decided not to give up her seat, even when the bus driver ordered her to do so. This eventually led to her arrest, but she still did it because she wanted a better life. Her change soon inspired other people to change through non-violent protests such as the Montgomery Bus Boycott. While all of this led to many consequences, Rosa Parks and other protesters still decided to change and fight racial segregation and discrimination because she wanted a better life.

Personally, I have also experienced a change because I wanted to improve better life. I have always had lofty goals in my life such as becoming a millionaire or being president, but I realized that it would never even be near possible if I didn't apply myself and work harder. Finally, one day I decided to put down the television remote and actually open my textbooks and study. Despite a rough start, I was still determined because I wanted to improve my life. Today, I believe that I am very successful ; my grades have significantly improved and I have a developed a keen interest in learning. Although I am not a millionaire today, I have certainly changed for the better because I wanted a better life.

In conclusion, most of the infinite number of changes in life is driven by a desire for better life, and examples from history and everyday life have proven this.
jessie_hamilton 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
Instead of using the phrase 'better life' you could substitute it for things such as "believed in a better tomorrow", "envisioned change", and "dream for a different life". That would help spice up the first paragraph, and remove the repetitiveness. Good luck!
OP ilovecandy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
Can you give me a score from 0-12? just to let me know where i'm at...
epark 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #4
I cannot guess score but I'd like to give some help
Intro is too vague. Add two or three more lines to add details of your think and give clue to reader what you will write, such as (for example, there were person Rosa Parks who tried to do _____things and my personal experience of _____.)

Also, conclusion is important because it is summary of your whole essay and remind reader what are your key points.

I hope you to get a good score on real SAT
OP ilovecandy 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #5
Thanks... so how do you make your conclusion longer because all i did was restate my thesis ... also can anyone else give me score ?
OP ilovecandy 1 / 3  
Dec 28, 2011   #6
Please...anyone... Can I get a score? Also, should I mention my examples again (in detail) in the conclusion? Thanks!
TheLeader 2 / 36  
Dec 28, 2011   #7
In conclusion, most of the infiniteNot sure if you should use this word, as there is not an "infinite" number of changes in life, but there is an INDEFINITE number of changes number of changes in life is driven by a desire for better life, and examples from history and everyday life have proven this.

Good job. This is well written, engaging (especially the first sentence which is one of the most important), and powerful. I would rate it a 8.5/10.

Also, should I mention my examples again (in detail) in the conclusion? Thanks!

It would be a good idea to mention some of your examples (of Rosa Park and yourself) in the conclusion because I feel like the ending is a little vague and doesn't talk much about your body paragraph. You want the reader to remember what you wrote about Rosa and yourself when they finish reading.
deremifri 9 / 137  
Dec 28, 2011   #8
Here's the thing:
SAT essays are not scored logically.
Do a little research and you will find that the prime and most impotant factor is length.
Although the collegeboard talks a lot about progression of thought and some other categories,
the fact is that the SAT is a standardized test and that the scorers have only very limited time to
look through your essay. That is why they need an objective criterium (the point of standardized tests),
and the only objective criterium is length.
So in the end nobody can tell you which score you will get, sorry.


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