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The changes in annual spending in particular UK School : WRITING TASK 1 IELTS


ppbbjakarta 2 / 2 1  
Dec 17, 2017   #1

expedintures in a british school



A breakdown of information concerning the proportion of money (in percentage) spent on a particular school in the United Kingdom in three different years selected (1981, 1991 and 2001) is exhibited in the pie charts. It is noticeable that teachers' salaries, furniture and equipment, and insurance showed an ascending trend, while other workers' salaries and resources witnessed a descending trend. In addition, the school in UK spent more on teachers' salaries compared to other expenditures, while insurance had the smallest percentage of expenditure.

A more detailed look at the charts reveals that approximately 40% money was allocated to teacher budget in 1981, and this number showed the largest proportion compared to other budget. The number increased slightly after reaching a peak of a half percentage in 199, rising to 45% in 2001. Furthermore, Furniture and insurance expenditure inclined gradually, the former rose from 15% to 23%, while the latter climbed by 6% between 1981 and 2001. In stark contrast, the figure for Insurance is responsible to the lowest proportion over the period.

Moving to the rest expenditures, two figures witnessed a downward trend. Figure for other workers' salaries showed a gradual decrease, declining from 28% to 15%. Similarly, the figure for books budget went down gradually between 15% and 9% from 1981 to 2001, a decrease of 6% in 20 years.

Note: due to measuring my score, apart from an helpful comment, please to give a possible detailed feedback and to score for different part, thank you.




Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Dec 18, 2017   #2
@ppbbjakarta An analysis essay does not place important information within parenthesis. Information such as the years for analysis and the measurement type are always presented as part of the normal presentation because these are not optional information. These are the foundation information that your analysis is taking from and should be highlighted in the presentation of the opening paraphrase. The opening paraphrase / summary that you presented is right on the mark. Except, you forgot to include the thesis statement at the end. That is the paraphrase of the instruction sentence from the original prompt. Bear in mind that in the task 1 essay, it is assumed that the reader will not have access to the original prompt and therefore, needs a complete summary of the upcoming information and other important data for the creation of the analytical report. That said, your TA score will be based on your opening statement. The work that you did in that section tells me that your score for this would be a 5 at the most.

The presentation of the body of paragraphs should have been allotted for the presentation of the different measurements per pie chart. One paragraph per chart, with the 4th paragraph reserved for the comparison of similar information as indicated by the original prompt. Since the pie charts do not share similar information, the best method of comparison in this scenario would have been to allot the remaining 4 paragraphs for a similarity analysis based upon individual criteria. It should have been one comparison paragraph each for insurance, teacher's salaries, furniture and equipment, resources, and other worker's salaries. The trending statement should have represented the more noticeable trend in the presentation, which would have helped you to stay within the 4 paragraph presentation for the essay.

That said, your choice of presentation is selective in presentation and also contains significant typographical errors that would have resulted in confusion for the reader (199 instead of 1991), so your C&C and GRA scoring would be a 4 because of the lack of clear progression in the discussion of information and inattention to important details in the presentation.

As far as your LR score is concerned, I believe it would earn you a 5 because of the way that you used only minimally advanced English words. The sentences you produced were enough to get the presentation done, but did not really help to convince the examiner that you have the English vocabulary to help you create an intricately presented analysis paper to the reader.

Good work though. The essay is a good effort. You show potential in your work which leads me to believe that you should be able to prepare for this test in a reasonable amount of time.


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