gender role in a society
Recent years have witnessed significant modification in gender role in society. As a result, family structure and member's contribution are modifying day by day. Various adjustments can happen depending on family's context but I firmly believe these modifications are advantageous.
Family structure and the importance of each member are altering enormously. Nowadays, in a typical nuclear family, there are only parents and kids, not grandparents as there used to be. Young couples usually prefer staying independently with their parents. In 2010, a survey conducted in the southeast of Vietnam demonstrated that 70% of the young couples asked confirmed that and 85% of the unmarried young said they would definitely do so when they got married. In addition, husband and wife's role are being modified in order to suit the social context. Recent years have witnessed a large number of women pursuing their career. As a result, housework is assisted by men.
These adjustments are creating many positive effects. As married couples live separately from their parents, they can avoid such conflicts caused by the generation gap. This is because young generation has their own living style, which can be incompatible with their parents in some aspects. For example, modern methods in taking care of pregnant women are very different from traditional ones, leading to arguments between the young and the old. Moreover, balance in the gender role in the family gives women more chances to perform their aptitude in society. Besides, when the husband does the housework, he will be more empathetic with his wife. In particular, he understands how hard it is to do much housework after a tiring long work day.
In conclusion, the alteration in the way family is constructed and its member's role are creating many positive effects for individuals.
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Ngan, kindly remember to post the original prompt for the essay in the future so that your essay can be better assessed for discussion instruction compliance and additional considerations. At the moment, your essay can only reviewed on a general basis and cannot be given any scoring considerations so you will not know if this essay would have passed the test or not. I have a problem with the way that you wrote the paraphrased opening paragraph. In the title, you used the terms "positive or negative" but in the actual essay, you use the term "advantageous". Please make sure to paraphrase the original prompt accurately because there is a difference between the terms that you used in the title and the terms that you used in the paraphrasing. One mistake in vocabulary or word usage and you will completely alter the topic for discussion in the essay. Once you alter the discussion topic, you will automatically fail the essay. While you did a good job in terms of justifying your line of reasoning, your concluding statement falls short of being an acceptable paragraph. Bear in mind that an acceptable conclusion will still need to follow the required minimum of 3 sentences to be considered a complete paragraph. This is a problem that is shared by your opening statement as well. The 2 bodies that you wrote fall directly within the 5 sentence maximum consideration so the improvements you have to make are all in the paraphrasing section of the essay presentation.
Thanks for your feedback and I'm really sorry for not providing its original prompt :)
Below is the full question (IELTS Writing Task 2):
"In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?"
Btw, I don't really understand the issue you mentioned about paraphrasing. I think "advantageous" = beneficial, helpful; therefore I guess it is suitable to paraphrase the word "positive" with "advantageous".
And sorry again if my lack of full question led to any misunderstanding.
Here are my "modifications"
As a result, family structure and member's contribution are modifying daily.
I think you should use words like furthermore, also, nevertheless and other words like that to introduce each paragraph seeing as you are introducing a new idea/reason.