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SAT Essay:Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better ?


do2puff 1 / 2  
Aug 2, 2010   #1
I'd greatly appreciate if you guys could grade my essay, or give me feedback. I really want to improve my essay score. Thank you!

Prompt
Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilties of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that we supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that , whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better. Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better ? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your readings, studies, experience, and observations.

What makes the 21st century unique amongst all other countries is the technological advancements which make our lives convenient, such as elevators, ATMs, automobiles, cellular phones. These all benefit our lives every single day. However, as medicine and inquisitive minds have also developed, we unfortunately have learned many convenient goods have led to out health deterioration and loss of personal security.

The advancement in energy development has brought a new frontier: nuclear energy. Scientists able to produce Uranium has helped many households have electricity; however studies show that radiation from uranium is cancerous, and although nuclear power plants have protective measures to shroud radiation, accidents and leakages can occur.

Secondly, credit cards and ATMs have made our shopping experience much easier; no longer do we have to bring lavish amounts of money whilst in fear of thieves. However, modern thieves are able to access accounts via the internet, able to steal millions of dollars. Is the risk of losing all your money worth the convenience? Banks also must be careful, as a hacker has found a weakness in the ATM machine. He is able to extract money from an ATM with a simple programmed ATM card.

However change in many other aspects has been beneficial to humans. Medical changes which can prolong death, annihilate fatal diseases, or improve living conditions have few disadvantages. Change in history, such as the UN orginisation sustain world peace, reduce travesties, etc. What change creates is a thing we as humans must asses. We must decide whether change improves or exacerbates, and if it does exacerbate the situation, we must seek for change to create another opportunity for a better life.

thank you !!!

linmark 2 / 328 7  
Aug 3, 2010   #2
such as elevators, ATMs, automobiles, cellular phones

You chose these examples and talk about nuclear energy and medical changes. It would help to recap just the examples you will be writing about later in the essay. Or put another way, you should provide a context for the examples you list. The nuclear energy example is awkward as uranium is not a "change" but a new form of energy.

The first part of this sentence does not make sense in conjunction with the second - what does medicine and inquisitive minds have to do with convenience goods , health deterioration and loss of personal security? out health deterioration - our ?

However, as medicine and inquisitive minds have also developed, we unfortunately have learned many convenient goods have led to out health deterioration and loss of personal security.

This can be improved and no need for "etc."- what travesties?

reduce travesties, etc

Again, first part of sentence doesn't quite connect with the second:

We must decide whether change improves or exacerbates, and if it does exacerbate the situation, we must seek for change to create another opportunity for a better life.

Do you mean if change makes things worse, then more change is required to make things better??
OP do2puff 1 / 2  
Aug 3, 2010   #3
thank you for your feedback! I'll definitely take into account these issues in my future essays.

quick question though, do you think it's better to have 3 examples, or 2 detailed examples?
thanks
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Aug 4, 2010   #4
Just this essay! Two or three does not matter as long as they are GOOD ones!! I would even venture to say less is better...so go with two GREAT examples vs. three GOOD (mediocre) ones.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 4, 2010   #5
It seems that your thesis statement is that the innovations bring negative side effects, such as loss of personal security. You assert this at the end of the first paragraph, and I think you should add a topic sentence to the beginning of paragraph 2 so that the reader can easily follow your discussion.

Paragraph 2:
One good example of innovation that can lead to a loss of health and personal security comes from the field of energy development. The advancement in energy development has brought a new frontier: nuclear energy. Scientists ...

Above, I added a topic sentence that will make paragraph 2 longer and more complete. I think you should also add a sentence at the end of that paragraph:

...protective measures to shroud radiation, accidents and leakages can occur. (add a sentence that says something about how health and security are lost because innovations come with drawbacks.)

This is a very important subject! I think you should also write about how technology advancement increases the intensity of competition as various powers and organizations strive to keep up with the changing technology in order to avoid losing competitiveness.


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