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TASK 1 :The changes that have occurred in selected area, around school area


Hengki Yonathan 4 / 4  
Apr 18, 2016   #1
The changes that have occurred in selected area, around school area, there were two periods of continuous development, each period of 30 years, starting from 1950, then 1980 and 2010 is demonstrated in the map. Overall, it can be seen, the most noticeable change was the replacement of houses and farmland with several projects then these change with other projects in the next period.

To begin, there were several major changes to the left of schools building and playground area in first development period, from 1950 to 1980. Three Houses had been changed with car park and science block beside the school in first period. Farmland witnessed a change in use to be sport field. However, school building and playground saw a similar condition over the 30 years.

Turning into the second period, the next 30 years, in 2010. Car park located to the left of science block extended the area. Sports field located on just south from car park was used as the expansion of car park. And the playground was minimized, then a part of which was used as sports field with size less than before.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 18, 2016   #2
Hengki, if you make confusing sentence like this:

- The changes that have occurred in selected area, around school area, there were two periods of continuous development, each period of 30 years, starting from 1950, then 1980 and 2010 is demonstrated in the map.

and these:
- Overall, it can be seen that , the most noticeable change was the replacement of houses and farmland with several projectsbuildings, and then these change with other projectsit followed by another expansion in the next 30-year period.

- ....over the 30 years.
- Turning into the second period, the next 30 years, in 2010. (missing verb, what happen in 2010?)
- Car park located to the left of science block extended the area.was located next to science block in 1980.

will badly damage your score.

Therefore, I would like to give my insight towards your introduction, since I notice that your mistake is quite similar to your previous essay. You were confused on how to paraphrase the question in your introduction paragraph. Let me try to give you an example:

- The map illustrates the information about the changes which have been occurred in the chosen area from 1950 to 2010.

As you can see, it is quite simple, but it is understandable. This is what I suggest you should do for the next essay. Just remember that INACCURATE complex sentences will drop your score directly to 5.0. due to what band descriptor said:

- attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences

So, avoid using complex sentences if you are not really sure about it. After you have mastered to make most of your simple sentences become accurate, you can try to improve your writing by trying to write some complex sentences later on.

Keep writing! Good Luck Hengki! I know you can do it! :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 18, 2016   #3
Hi Rangga, here's additional entries from my end.

- The changes that havehas occurred
- in the selected area,
- around the school area , there
- it can be seen, the most noticeable that the - then thesethis change

- To begin with , there were
- left of the schools
- building and in the playground
- area in the first
- withinto a car park
- inas it was use to be sport field.
- HoweverMoreover , school building
- the 30 years period .

- Car parks located
- to the left of the science
- south from the car park
- expansion of a car park. Andand the playground
- with the size less than before.

There you have it Rangga, I hope the additional corrections help and for future writing reference, mind your linking verbs, refer to the modifications above.


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