IELTS Writing Task 1 - The changes in ownership of electrical appliances and time doing housework

Hello guys,

This is my first essay on IELTS Writing Task 1. My last essay was about 5 years ago and I just re-starting my journey to take the IELTS test now. I really need your suggestion and your review, and I hope you want to do so. Thank you :)

percentage of households with electrical appliances

Topic :
The charts below show the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019.

The changes in ownership of electrical appliances as well as the amount of time spent doing housework in one country is illustrates by the charts in the period of 1920 until 2019.

During the period, refrigerator and vacuum cleaner have increased significantly while washing machine was fluctuating. Although the electrical appliances shows a greater growth by the time, the duration doing housework was going down and hit the shortest time in 2019.

In 1920, the ownership of vacuum cleaner and washing machine shows a constant increase simultaneously compared to refrigerator. But the washing machine was fluctuating and slightly decrease in 1980, at the same time the vacuum cleaner constantly rise 10% per decades. The most rapid increment was hold by the refrigerator, which gain 55% ownership just in 20 years (from 1920 to 1940). All the households equip by vacuum cleaner and refrigerator in 2019, whereas the washing machines only get about 75%.

The electrical appliances impact housework activity (such as washing clothes, preparing meals, and cleaning) become less longer almost in a century. It speed up the time about 30 hours from 1920 to get 20 hours per week in 1960. And finally in 2019, it only took around 10 hours per week to do the housework.

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While I can understand why the writer used a non-uniform summary presentation, it becomes useless when the required information and format are not correctly Lacking from the first paragraph are the number of images, identified image type, and at least 3 reference sentence The missing information plus the run-on sentence presentation ensures the essay will start with a failing preliminary / base score.

There is a constant interchanging of time references throughout the reporting paragraphs. Confusion sets in because the writer jumps from present to past time indicators. It will result in another failing score within the GRA section ffor 2 reasons:

1. Lack of grammar use knowledge in relation to tense usage
2. Confusing reference patterns that negate the clarity of the report and the cohesiveness between paragraphs.

Overall, the length of the essay does not help with the score distribution as the majority of points given will be in the failing range.

Hi, firstly, I am not professional so I just give some personal comments about your essay.

Introduction: ...in one country is illustrated by the charts (you can use diagrams or illustrations) in the period of 1920 until 2019 from.. to... (avoid the repetition below).

During the period, (...) fluctuating. Although the electrical appliances shows a greater growth by the time (unnecessary), the duration doing ...

In 1920, (...) But the washing machine was fluctuating and slightly decrease ( fluctuated and continue to decreased slightly) in 1980, ... cleaner constantly rise rose by10% per decades. ..., which gained 55% ownership (...) the washing machines only got about 75%.

The electrical (...) less longer almost in in almost a century. It speed sped up the time about by 30 hours from 1920 to get 20 hours ...

Finally, it can be better if you define clearly the striking figure in the first chart such as data in the first and last year, the peak or bottom figure and try to reduce the number of words.

I hope my comment can help you.