Unanswered [5] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback   5

IELTS: The changes in share price of Outokumpu enterprises - Writing task 1, Line graph


Hello eveybody!!
I am doing this exercise as a self study of IELTS. Please help me to improve my writing.
I am appreciated all your advise. Thank you.

Topic: "The line graph below shows the changes in the share price of Outokumpu companies in euros between January 2006 and December 2010.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information below.
" (150 words)

This is my work: 145 words, 20 mins sharp.

The line graph illustrates the changes in the share price of Outokumpu enterprises in euro from early 2006 to late 2010.
In general, although suffering from some great fluctuations over the 4 year period, the price of share in those companies remained unchange at the end point comparing to the begining.

More specific, there was a significant rise in share price in the first year by doubling the price from slightly under 15 euro to more than 30 euro. Two years after that, although, suffering some small fluctuations, the price of share remained almost unchange. In late 2008, there was a dramatical fall in share price which bottomed at roughly under 10 euro. Finally, in late 2010, after 2 years the companies recovered, the share price saw a gradual increase. However, it could only reach the same level of value as it was in 2006.





Hi bongbang, there are several suggestion for your essay, I hoped that you do not mind.

The line graph illustrates

I personally think that "illustrates" is inappropriate to explain about your line chart. I think word "illustrate" is appropriate when we are going to explain about process or map. As either line charts or other graphs are contained by figures. So, could you imagine it, how to illustrate figure?. Therefore, I thought it is more appropriate we use illustrates to explain Map or Process rather that explain line charts.

after 2 years

According to several IELTS writing books. We are suggested to write 1-10 by word. For example, if we want to write "2" in essay, it should be "two".

Missed Spelling =

end point comparing to the begining .

it should be = end poin comparing to the beginning

there was adramatical

it should be = there was a dramatic

What's more, try to make essay in 150-200 words, I believe your IELTS score will be encreased.

KEEP STUDY, KEEP SPIRIT.
Dec 5, 2014   #3
If I were you, I will divide the data into two groups. Don't forget to use language of change and language of comparison when the data has time duration. Let me try to write body paragraphs.

The amount of share price experienced a significant increase from just above 10 euro to around 27 euro, a rise of about 17 euro. Moreover, in the middle 2006 this figure reached a peak at over 30 euro. Standing in contrast, by 2007, the amount of share price declined slightly and recorded fluctuated trend in this period. In sharp contrast to this, in 2008, the figure of share price rose dramatically and sat at a second peak at approximately 30 euro.

A closer look at the data reveals that the amount of share price was a strong downward trend in the amount of share price between the beginning 2008 and the middle 2008 from about 30 euro to around 7 euro, a fall of 23 euro as the lowest amount.In terms of share price, however, this figure recorded a gradual incline at around 15 euro, but in the end of the period this figure fell to below 14 euro.
Dec 5, 2014   #4
Hi bongbang! Well I think you need to practice more? Since your writing is not sufficient enough *next time try to reach well over 150 words) You can take a look at tiaDS approach since it is a very typical and well written structure! And next time, polish your vocabulary, use longer and more complex sentences to gain higher marks!

Cheers!


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: The changes in share price of Outokumpu enterprises - Writing task 1, Line graph