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Ielts: Changes in women's position in society cause juvenile deliquency


MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Jun 15, 2013   #1
Topic: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people claim that women's social status has undergone remarkable changes over the last two decades, the consequent of which is the rise in misbehavior of their children. Personally, I concede that working women are partially responsible for the wrongdoings of the youth.

To commence with, the ground of the breakthrough for women in modern society lies within the significance of education and social perceptions. In the past, gender inequality occurred in the majority of countries combined with the shortage of academic access would restrict female employment opportunities. On the contrary, thanks to the alteration in general notions of the society with the passing of time, women are capable of obtaining well-rounded education. As such, seldom are essential domains of the socio-economy dominated by men but more senior positions in politics or business are occupied by female counterparts. Accordingly, women have assured their increasing independence in the present community.

Simultaneously, it is undeniable that the more hours investing in workplace, the less time mothers are able to contact normally with their descendants. Indeed, owing to being engrossed in myriad volume of workload, women struggle to secure adequate time to either share emotional stories or inculcate moral guidance to their sons and daughters. In turn, the young turn to the Internet or their peers to compensate for the lack of maternal attention. Nonetheless, these external factors possibly have a negative impact on their thoughts and manners, begetting engagement in crimes such as thefts. Briefly, women should have certain control over the lives of their children.

To sum up, women undoubtedly have an apparently distinct role in the society but this potentially bring about the transgression of children. As such, working mothers are advised to be more involved with their kids' growth.
sopha 4 / 5  
Jun 15, 2013   #2
I may found similar writing on IETLS task 2, seach for IELTS lesson and look at that. Your may need thesis statemnt on your introduction, It seems that yu have only one supporting idea on the introduction, but you have two body paragrphs
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jun 15, 2013   #3
To commence with

... "To begin with" is a better phrase.

To commence with, the ground of the breakthrough for women in modern society lies within the significance of education and social perceptions.

... you present this simple idea in a much more complicated way... It's always better to tell things straight and simple rather than making them too complicated with flowery language. This is what I suggest;

To begin with, what earned today's position of women in society is due to the educational opportunities that women in modern society enjoy. Education is a powerful tool for the women to compete with their male counterparts.

In the past, gender inequalitydiscrimination occurred in the majority of countries combined with the shortage of academic access would restrict female employment opportunities.

.... it is not gender inequality, but gender discrimination.
In the past, gender discrimination prevailed in many societies that deprived women of educating themselves and as a result, sharing many important responsibilities with men in society.
OP MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Jun 15, 2013   #4
Thank you, Sopha but the second sentence in the introduction is my thesis statement. I had better add some reasons for this.

Thank you again, Dumi! It seems that I always make my writing complicated and I'm trying to simply my idea expressions.


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