Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

IELTS Writing Task 1 - Changes In The World Population Between 1900 and 2000


Hettymsk 9 / 9 9  
May 19, 2015   #1
The pie charts illustrate changes in the proportion of world population according to the regions in 1900 and 2000. Overall, it can be seen that the most significant change happened in Europe, while the least or no changes at all happened in North America and Others during a century.

First of all, in 1900 the population of Europe including Russia was a quarter of the total and it decreased dramatically 11% in the next 10 years. In the same year, Asia was the biggest population among the regions with the proportion of 60%, decreased to the level of 54% which was including the region of former Soviet Asia in year 2000. The new region added in the data in 2000, Middle East and North Africa, stated at 6%. As for Africa alone, there was a significant increase from 4% to 10%, similarly it happened in Latin America from 3% to 8% during the period, as addition there was Caribbean included in the Latin America region in year 2000. Finally, there were two regions left that virtually did not show any changes, those were North America and Others that stayed at 5% and 3% respectively.

As the conclusion, the majority changes during the period of 1900 to 2000 were in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Latin America. While the least or no changes were in North America and others, and the rest was additional region.

===Please help me to correct grammatical errors and comment the contents of my essay also give suggestion! Thanks! XOXO===




justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
May 19, 2015   #2
- As for Africa alone, there was a significant increase from 4% to 10%, similarly itsimilar happened in Latin America from

3% to 8% during the period, asin addition there wasis Caribbean included in the Latin America

region in year 2000.

- As the conclusion, the majority of the changes during the period of 1900 to 2000 were in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Latin America.

Well, Hetty, aside from the minor fix I did as stated above, you analysis is great. You were able to put your analysis in place and it absolutely help

that you keep your numbers in figures when describing the result of your analysis.

A note from me, PROOF READ your analysis before submitting it so you can have a final read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!
thutyedaniel 32 / 38 17  
May 19, 2015   #3
Hi, @hettymsk

The pie charts illustrate changes ininformation regarding the proportion of world population according to the regions inbetween 1900 and 2000. Overall, it can be seen that the most significant change happened in Europe, while the least or no changes at all happened in North America and o thers during a centuryover the timeframe .
IqbalThemi 44 / 46 13  
May 19, 2015   #4
First of all, in 1900 the population of Europe including Russia was [...]
[...] and Others that stayed at 5% and 3% respectively.

(I think you make bulky body paragraph here. This is better if you organize to be two body paragraphs so as to we, reader, can understand easily what features are in your essay).
Trias 23 / 41 14  
May 19, 2015   #5
Hi Hetty,
Please find my feedback regarding with your concluding paragraph below.

As the In conclusion, the majority changes (of what?) during the period of 1900 to 2000 were in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Latin America. While the least or no changes(you can define more clearly or separate this explanation, which region changed or remained at the same proportion) were in North America and others, and the rest was additional region.

Thank you, and keep writing!
nguyenvannam 5 / 10 1  
May 20, 2015   #6
First of all, in 1900 the population of Europe including Russia was a quarter of the total and it decreased dramatically 11% in the next 10 years.100
OP Hettymsk 9 / 9 9  
May 20, 2015   #7
Hello @all!

Thank you for your corrections, comments and suggestion!
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,198 464  
May 21, 2015   #8
Helllllooo Hetty, a few points;
Para 1:
- Here do you need to write a 2-sentence overview. By doing so, this will improve your score in TA (check IELTS band descriptor). Also, if you could, then write intro and overview in a different paragraph. A closer look at my sample;

Overall, the most striking point is that population growth in the world increases significantly. In any case, Asian is the world's largest population. Yet, its growth experiences a dramatic decrease.

Para 2:
I strongly suggest breaking this into several paragraph as to reach coherence.
- first of all, finally (DELETE). you dont need to use sequencers here. Save them for a process.
- sentence 1, the next 10 years (DELETE) write the next 100 years.
- Rewrite sentence 2, as it brings run-on sentences. Here is my sample;
Initially, the population of Asia was listed in 60%. Yet, this percentage decreased slightly to 54% (with former Soviet Asia) in 2000, an incline of 6% in 100 years.
- Sentence 3 needs rewording as it has bad flow. My sample; Interestingly, both Middle East and North Africa broke a record as current world population in 2000, dominating 6% of total population.

- it takes some time to understand both sentence 4 and 5. Now, it's your turn. I'll check your grammar after your rewrite those sentences.

Para 3:
You don't need to write a conclusion in task 1 since this has been replaced with an overview. Overview is more important here. For more details, read IELTS band descriptor writing task 1.

Thanks, eddy suaib
OP Hettymsk 9 / 9 9  
May 23, 2015   #9
Dear Mr. Eddy,

I have done re-writing the essay. Please give me feedback! Thank you

The pie charts illustrate changes in the proportion of world population according to the regions in 1900 and 2000. Overall, the most striking point is that population growth in the world increases significantly. In any case, Asian is the world's largest population. Yet, its growth experiences a dramatic decrease.

In 1900 the population of Europe including Russia was a quarter of the total and it decreased dramatically 11% in the next 100 years. Initially, the population of Asia was listed in 60%. Yet, this percentage decreased slightly to 54% (with former Soviet Asia) in 2000, an incline of 6% in 100 years. Interestingly, both Middle East and North Africa broke a record as current world population in 2000, dominating 6% of total population. Africa experienced a sharp increase of 6% over the period from 4% to 10% per year. Likewise, Latin America rose significantly from 3% to 8% with a new region included, Caribbean. However, North America and Others region seemed to be not showing any changes.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Changes In The World Population Between 1900 and 2000