IELTS; Changing look is good or not?

I made some change with my essay, Please give your invaluable comments on this essay

Essay topic: People try to change their look by changing the color of their hair using cosmetics, wearing jewellery or even having a plastic surgery done. Why do you think people do it? Do you think changing a look is good thing?

People's attitude toward appearance was light and careless before the introduction of cosmetic products, surgery and costume items. In the wake of popularity of cosmetic tools, survey and accessories, people become more concerned with their outlook, both men and woman. Some people think that the importance of beauty has good impact on personal character and development. As far as I am concerned, paying more attention to one's appearance have severe affect on our health and wisdom. Reasons and examples will be outlined below.

To begin with, most people are highlighting the importance of appearance rather than developing themselves. Eagerness to invest in education is comparatively lower than that of cosmetics. Even when people goes to shopping malls, they are increasingly likely to head first to clothing section instead of book-selling section. For example, I was encouraged to do heavy make-up when I was high school instead of preparing to admission examination.

Furthermore, it is a fact that there are thousands of thousands of over-weighted youth while they do not much care about their health and body shape. Sport center like fitness club is hardly become a full of customer, spa and beauty centers do not worry about how to attract people. Therefore, many serious diseases like high blood pressure, diabetes and so on are generating from lack of movement among us while keeping our beauty.

Nevertheless, concern over the outlook has good impact on personal character and performance. As we wear comfortable clothes, do make up gently and even have some cosmetic surgery, our self-esteem increases and we become more confidence with what we doing, saying and thinking. That is specially true with business in which 90 percent of business deal is come from clothing. Moreover, worker's performance increases if they feel comfortable with their look.

In the conclusion, I am convinced that investment on our appearance should be balanced with that of education and health and should increase people's awareness of health lifestyle and wisdom rather than fragile beauty.

Hi,

I've just read your essay, I want to share some advices just to make your essay more coherent :

For example, I was encouraged to do heavy make-up when I was high school instead of preparing to admission examination. > You should add the consequences of being expose to this situation, just to close the paragraph.

you can add some consequences that brought to you.

In par. 4 you explain some positive things of being concerned about the physical aspect, but you sould try to focus on defend your argument * paying more attention to one's appearance have severe affect on our health and wisdom*

Remember always to respond the essay question >Why do you think people do it? and Do you think changing a look is good thing?.

Nina

Here's my suggestion.

both men and women become more concerned with their appearance. Some people think that the importance of beauty has a good impact on personal character and development. As far as I am concerned, paying more attention to one's appearance only has severe effects on our health and wisdom for several reasons.

To me, 'Reasons and examples will be outlined below' sentence is too direct. So, I'd say something like for several reasons: 1, 2, and 3.

Initially, most individuals highlight the importance of appearance rather than the development of themselves. The time they put more effort on improving academic skills is much less than that of cosmetics. When I go shopping malls, I commonly see people head first to clothing stores instead of book stores. Even in my high school, my peers often encouraged me to do heavy make-up and overlooked the exam preparation.


Care much.


are generated

Nevertheless, concern over the appearance also demonstrates good impact on personal character and performance. As we wear comfortable clothes, do make up gently and even have some cosmetic surgery, we increase our self-esteem and become more confidence with what we are doing. That is specially true with business in which 90 percent of business deal is come from clothing. The evidence to support this claim is prevalent, especially of the clothing business deal. Worker's performance increases if they wear comfortable and suitable outfits.

In conclusion, investment on our appearance should not outweigh the time we spend time studying; in fact, the time should be balanced properly. The beauty is not ever-lasting, but at the same time, we should increase the awareness of health lifestyle and knowledge. At last, I am certain we will be able to witness the true benefit of changing our look.

I think you have good ideas! But there are just some grammar issues that you should focus on.

Hello Kriduessay,

please kindly advise me how i could improve my grammar?

Yours faithfully,
Agi

Hello Agi!,

The best way to understand grammar is to use it as much as possible. In other words, when you write more and more essays, you may encounter some grammar issues, but you then learn bit by bit and remember your mistakes.

I am not a native speaker, so I try to get the sense of the language by reading news, writing a pile of essays, and learning from them.

Hope this help! :)
KridUessay

... there is no problem in terms of grammar or presentation of this sentence. However, I feel it has a little bit of an issue with its idea. Cosmetic products appeared not only in the recent times. Even from the time of pharaohs, cosmetics had its place in society. In those Egyptian tombs, i.e. about 5000 years ago, you find evidence that they used cosmetics. So fashion and cosmetics are no recent trends.