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[Task 1] The changing rates of crime in Newport city over nine years

Liza2307 1 / 1 1  
Jul 16, 2017   #1

figure of crime in Newport

The graph describes how crime rates changed in the downtown of Newport city during 2003 and 2012. As can be seen, the figure for burglary experienced a remarkable decrease over time. Meanwhile, robbery case seemed to always remain the lowest rates among three crime areas.

In 2003, burglary which happened in the center of Newport, was quite a serious problem as it stood at nearly 3500 incidents. Approximately 3000 cars were stolen away in the same year, while around 500 cases were robbery.

In year 2008, both burglary and robbery hit the lowest points, at around 1000 and 500 cases, respectively. Additionally, car theft also decreased slightly, at around 2000, and then went up again at 2500 incidents at the end of the time frame. Robbery in Newport city remained relatively unchanged and reached over 500 incidents, whereas the statistic of house break-ins was reported to drop dramatically, from over 3000 to 1500 cases in year 2012.

Thanks for spending time correcting my writing. What band score will I receive with this report?

Hieugod28102001 1 / 2  
Jul 17, 2017   #2
Good work ! You have used a wide range of vocabulary as well as comparison but I think you missed a concluding paragraph. I always have an introduction , two main paragraphs and a conclusion and my teacher says my essays are constructive enough to acquire band 6.5. Its just my personal opinion and I think you could get 6.5-7 .
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,613 2510  
Jul 17, 2017   #3
Liza, I am advising you as an IELTS and TOEFL topnotcher, as well as an academic consultant of 15 years experience. These are the reasons why, based upon my expert opinion, your score for this essay cannot be higher than a 4. That is due to the lack of analytical ability displayed in your essay. You did not properly represent an overview of the discussion in your opening statement. Rather, you went directly to a discussion of the fact presented. An overview for this essay is required as a representation of the summary outline / summary discussion to follow. That helps to inform the reader regarding the type of analysis and information presentation that will be contained in the body paragraphs.

With regards to the information you presented, you failed to identify the kind of graph that was used for the report. You cannot merely say that this is a graph because different graphs have different purposes. Additionally, you must assume that the reader does not have access to the image presented and therefore, must be informed of the type of graph used by the original researcher in order to aid in their understanding of your presentation. By indicating the type of graph, you will also show that you are an informed researcher as you know the type of analysis represented by various graphs. The summary should have indicated the types of crimes that will be compared as well as the fact that the number of incidents cover the years from 2003 up to 2012. It is not a comparison of rates for 2003 and 2012. That is a different discussion from what you are being asked to summarize.

Only your second paragraph in this essay falls under the 3 sentence minimum requirement for these exam essays. The reason that there is a 3 sentence minimum is simple, the more words you write, the better you can express yourself. A 3-5 sentence paragraph will help you increase your vocabulary score as well because you have the opportunity to develop more complex sentences and presentations.

As for your concluding statement, you don't really have to write a concluding statement provided you have given a strong and properly informed summary overview for the opening statement. The key requirement here is that you represent your summation skills when it comes to discussions. Whether it comes at the beginning or the end is your personal decision.

It is important that I point out how you failed to properly assess, analyze, and compare the chart information. If you study the chart closely, you will see moments where the graph points intersect. These intersection points should have been added to the summary as discussion points and points for comparison. A quarterly comparison of the crimes would have been best since the years presented in the chart are consecutive. Therefore, your essay missed out on a number of important discussion points and factual presentations.
thuy_nguyet 5 / 13  
Jul 17, 2017   #4
I think you should have the conclusion paragraph in this essay.
OP Liza2307 1 / 1 1  
Jul 17, 2017   #5
Thank you so much for your constructive feedback! Seem like I should spend more time practicing IELTS Task 1 .
Kaylee - / 9  
Jul 17, 2017   #6
I think you should have one paragraph for introduction and one for the overview!
hi021132 6 / 11 4  
Jul 20, 2017   #7
Hi Liza, your observations and descriptions are correct, but I think you may miss some features which are worth mentioning. You may write more about the changes in the trends such as the bottom and the peak of a curve. Also, more than one general observation should be stated in the overview. Although only the number of burglary decreased significantly over the period, you can have a statement of decrease in overall crime rate because burglary shared a considerable proportion of crimes. I hope these can help. Keep improving, Liza.

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