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'characteristics of societies while studying in big cities' - GRE issue essay


viviana15077 7 / 21  
Jun 15, 2012   #1
My mind totally went blank when I first read the essay. But, I still managed to squeeze some ideas out. Help me please.

"To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities."

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Ans:
Most people consider a major city as the reflection of a society. These people think that the characteristics of societies are intrinsic to major cities. However, a close examination reveals that blindly studying the major cities will not help us understand the beauty of societies when small cities which are often devalued have an impact on societies too.

First and foremost, small cities are usually considered to be the suburbs. The people who live in the suburbs are often friendlier, more approachable. They lead a peaceful and less stressful live. On the contrary, we might not be able to see these attributes in those people living in major cities. If we went to Manhattan to study the characteristics of an American society, we would likely see arrogant, domineering and snotty Americans. The results obtained in major cities unlikely to accord with the results obtained in the suburbs.

In contrast to the statement, big cities are very attractive to tourists. They are millions of foreigners visiting Manhattan, New York every year. These visitors, come from different parts of the world, are visiting for different kinds of purposes. They could be on vacation; they could be on business. Studying Manhattan might give the characteristics of different societies in the world, instead of getting the characteristics of a Manhattan society.

The previous examples show that a small city would reflect its society accurately. With less outsiders visiting and more local people living, a small city inevitably reveals all the good and bad attributes of its society. The people living in small city are more innocent and less sceptical. These people will show the world their "true faces" without hiding.

While it may now be apparent that studying major cities would not provide a clear review on the characteristics of these societies, it should also be evident that studying major cities would impair our perspectives on the societies. In conclusion, small cities which have so many desirable attributes do affect the societies.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 15, 2012   #2
Most people consider a major city as the reflection of a society. These people think that the characteristics of societies are intrinsic to major cities.

--------- beautiful :)

when small cities, which are often devalued, too have an impact on societies too .

They lead a peaceful and less stressful lives .

On the contrary, we might not be able to see these attributes in those peoplewho living in major cities.

If we went to Manhattan to study the characteristics of an American society, we would likely see arrogant, domineering and snotty Americans.

----------- hey.... god bless you if your examiner is from Manhattan :P

Just one point - people live in small cities are more likely to reveal the cultural aspects of that society because the traditions and customs are mostly followed by the people in these areas :)

In contrast to the statement , big cities are very attractive to tourists.

TheyThere are millions of foreigners visiting Manhattan, New York every year.

Studying Manhattan might give the characteristics of different societies in the world, instead of getting the characteristics of a Manhattan society. ----------- good idea....You can use the word ''authenticity'' which means genuineness.

The authenticity of Manhattan society cannot be understood by studying the City of Manhattan due of its multicultural community.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 15, 2012   #3
not help us to understand the beauty of societies whenand small cities, which are often devalued, have an impact on societies too. ----.> I thin this sentence is a little vague. As a suggestion u can write:"I believe if investigations about a society just focus on big cities, many facets of the society such as x,y z will be not discovered/revealed. (X, Y,,Z refers to the aspects that you want to write about them in the body)

First and foremost, small cities are usually considered to be(I prefer "as" rather than "to be")the suburbs

The people who live in the(u are not talking about some certain suburbs, so u cannot use "the") suburbs

At the second paragraph u should explain why suburb are more important and how they can affect the characteristic of a society. U provided an example about the US, but in this example u did not mention why people should study suburb areas for understanding the society.

In contrast to the statement,

Do not use this and do not make a reader to read the topic one more time. Try to provide all information in your essay.

very attractive to

Use of "very" in writing, especially academic writing, is not appropriate.

They are millions of foreigners visiting Manhattan, New York every year.

before stating this u should add the term "for instance" or something like that to show this is an example and a support for the topic sentence. Without this term, it seems that this fact can just happen in Manhattan.

the characteristics of a Manhattan society.

With less outsiders visiting and more local people living in

The people living in asmall city(use a synonym because u used "small city" for several times. u can use "town")

The people living in small city are more innocent and less sceptical.

this sentence needs a support. u should make it clear when u say "they are innocent".

These people will show the true faces of the world their"true faces" without hiding

In conclusion, small cities which have so many desirable attributes do affect the societies.

Before stating an ending statement (clincher) in the concusion, you should reword the topic/first paragraph.

Regards
Ahmad
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 17, 2012   #4
Most people consider a major city as the reflection of a society. These people think that the characteristics of societies are intrinsic to major cities. However, a close examination reveals that blindly studying the major cities will not help us understand the beauty of societies when small cities which are often devalued have an impact on societies too.

This is your earlier introduction and I like it more :)
The second one is also not bad, but I found the following sentence struggles a bit when trying to deliver your idea to the reader


However, a close examination reveals that blindly studying a major city proves more problematic and inaccurate than other forms of studies,

However, a close examination reveals that blindly studying a major a city in view of understanding its society tends to provide more problematic and inaccurate information.

When you talk about other forms of studies, it sounds a bit out of topic. The prompt directly asks your opinion on the statement. So, better you state very clearly that you agree or not in the introduction itself. Then the reader is with a clear mind to follow your essay. :)

The people, living in a major city, lead a stressful and challenging life.

------- I prefer if you keep this part plural;
lead stressful and challenging lives.

They have to compete against each other for power and money in order to survive.

--------- strong sentence

The people, who live in a suburb, are often friendlier and more approachablehospitable in nature.

Hence, blindly studying a major city engenders a huge deviation from the truth.

------------ your argument should not be focused on blindly studying a major city. You need to argue that studying a major city may not reveal the real facts about the society. The word ''blindly'' is a bit too harsh in this scenario. I feel it's better if you argue in a more diplomatic manner why studying major cities could provide a false picture of that society, rather than rejecting the idea in a harsh manner. Also try to be more focus on to your prompt;

Hence, studying a major city may lead a person to form an impression about its society which deviates much from the actual facts.

Whatever their purposes of visiting they inevitable introduce their cultures and traditions into Manhattan society ----- I cannot get a hang of this idea... what do you mean?

You display good writing skills Vivian. You also have great ideas too. Just pay attention to the essay structure and be more focused on to your prompt. Good Work!
OP viviana15077 7 / 21  
Jun 24, 2012   #5
Hi Duminda,

Thank you so much for correcting my essay. I really appreciate the time and effort. :)


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