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Writing Task 1 Charity From City Council To Book Clubs


Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Aug 22, 2016   #1
The line graph gives information about the amount of money which city council give to book clubs over a four-year period. Overall, it can be seen obviously that the both of lines experienced an upward trends and the amount of money was always higher than the number of books.

Looking at the details, in the first two years, the amount of money had a slight incline while the number of books showed a slow decline. In the third year, the two of lines experienced a sharp increased and the amount of money reached a peak at 40,000 euro with 14,000 books. In the last year, the charity went down gradually while the books went up steadily and reached the peak at 30,000 euro with 12,000 books.

The money had highest number in the third year while the books showed a least number in the second year. Although the money rose, the books was not always increased.



ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Aug 22, 2016   #2
Hi Farida, I would like to focus on the detail of the first and the third paragraph on your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, it can be seen obviously(redundant) that the both of lines experienced an upward trends and the amount of money waswere always higher than the number of books.

- Apart from the above correction, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The line graph gives... (1st sentence)
It is measured in... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it can be seen... (3rd sentence)

3rd paragraph:
- Please bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. If you have no idea about what to write, you can simply take one of the sentences from the second paragraph.

As you can see Farida, by considering the above-mentioned feedback, I am sure that your writing is going to get better than before. I hope this helps :)


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