Hi everyone, I really hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your review and I really appreciate your help.
Some people believe that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country; others claim that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they are. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.
help to poorer nations vs the local needs
Whether charity organizations should focus more on international or domestic problems remains a subject of heated debate. While I agree that these organizations should aid their own countries, I also support the notion of helping people who need help regardless of their nationalities.
To begin with, it is undeniable that the fundamental aim of these organizations is to provide help to those in trouble. Firstly, the priority should be identified properly, in particular, they already have many critical social issues needed to be dealt with such as poverty, environment, and healthcare. Additionally, sending aid to foreign countries requires a significant amount of money and efforts which in turn might put a constraint on the state budget.
However, I firmly believe that the act of providing assistance to all people around the world is advisable. The primary reason is that helping residents in other countries to some extent will be beneficial to people in home countries. Taking the plague outbreak in 2014 in Africa as an example, hundreds of volunteer doctors and nurses who were sent from the UK and US, joined forces to treat infected patients as well as donation pouring from many charities in order to help to find a cure for that disease. Subsequently, they managed to prevent it from spreading to other countries, including their hometowns. Moreover, by supporting other people, the sense of humanity is emphasized, which is crucial to maintaining the peaceful and sustainable development of the world.
In conclusion, while I think that the charity activities should be provided to fulfill the local needs, it is also necessary to aid international countries.
(268 words)First of all I would like to thank you for pointing out my spelling mistakes, which remind me to be more scrupulous next time.
As for your essay, it's pretty much decent in my opinion, so I just point out your tiny mistakes:
-which is crucial to maintaining peaceful ...
-... regardless of their nationalities.. Your previous statement mentioned their, so I think it is necessary to delete the second one.
Hi Minh, please forgive me if my following comments seem useless due to my poor English. but i will try my best to give some feedbacks.
The test asked you to discuss two different opinions. and unfortunately, you did not address the task. instead of discuss both opinions, you answered with agreement statement, which is supposed to used in agree/disagree question. if the Task Achievement were not correctly done, your score band will not above than 5.
my suggestion is please find all of IELTS writing question type. and you can decide how to answer each type of question.
Oh thank you for your advice, I think this type of writing is discussion AND give your opinion, so I guess I have to state my side of support, but maybe I have made a mistake.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Min, in actuality, your essay is considered partially correct in response. It is partially correct and would be scored for the portion that it does respond to which is the personal opinion and one public opinion section. You are right in saying that the essay requires your opinion so you were correct in presenting the side you support and the discussion about it. The problem is that you used the whole essay to discuss only your opinion. A presentation of a personal opinion requires you to say what side you support and why.
The main problem you have is that you changed the prompt subject for discussion, which caused you to deliver an incorrect thesis statement via your response to the question. However, your 2 body paragraphs are considered to be in line with the given discussion topic so you will definitely be scored for these portions. A 2 point of view with personal point of view presentation should be discussed in the following format:
1. Paraphrase
2. Public POV 1
3. Public POV 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Concluding summary
You should never forget that when there is a reference to "some people" or as long as the term "people" is mentioned in the discussion, the two points of view require a public reference along the same vein such as "Groups of supporters" or "Other opinions..." Make sure the reader is clear about whose public opinion is being discussed so that you can be scored accordingly.
