Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The chart below gives data about the proportion of people who used the Internet from 1998 to 2000


Dec 2, 2016   #1
The bar chart compares people of different ages in terms of using the Internet between 1998 and 2000.
It is clear that the internet is popular among the 16 to 50 years old people , and over the period shown, Internet usage of the elderly and children also saw a slight increase.

In 1998, the percentage of internet access is highest in the age between 16 and 30 , accounted for more than half of all users. People from 31 to 50 years old were 41% of total internet users, while the figures for people less than 15 and 50 years old or older were lower, at 2% and 4% respectively .

In the last two years, the rate of younger and older rose by 6-7%. By contrast, Internet users aged 16 to 30 decreased slightly to 45% in 1999 and 44 % in 2000. A similar trend was seen in the 31 to 50-year-old people, the number of people accessing the Internet in this age fell marginally within 3 years from 41% to 37% in 2000.


  • picture



EditorPal - / 19 6  
Dec 4, 2016   #2
Hi, huyentrang970423. I recommend that you revise the following sentences, as they are the hardest to read:

(1) It is clear that the internet is popular among the 16 to 50 years ...

(2) People from 31 to 50 years old were 41% of total internet users, ...

(3) A similar trend was seen in the 31 to 50-year-old people, the number ...

You may also want to pay attention to spacing. Don't insert a space between a word and a comma/period.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Dec 4, 2016   #3
Huyen, the overview of the essay as well the succeeding paragraphs are not in compliance with the required minimum number of sentences, that is a minimum of 3 sentences and a maximum of 5 sentences, in order to present what would qualify as a proper summary and overall discussion information presented in this essay.

There is an overall lack of expanded discussion within your essay which would result in your failing this essay test in an actual exam setting. When you do not meet the required minimum number of sentences per paragraph, you end up having a large part of your score lowered, In this instance, I believe you won't score higher than a 1 because you failed to properly develop a logical discussion for the charts presented within your essay. It is not enough to just present the information in essay form, you need to be able to at least, develop a simple discussion regarding the presented information. That is so that you can prove your comprehension and analytical skills to the examiner.

You could have done that in this essay using a comparison of the figures as provided in the chart. Sometimes, simply expanding upon a discussion allows the essay to develop a more cohesive and logical presentation. Please aim to do that in your next essay. I know you can do it.


Home / Writing Feedback / The chart below gives data about the proportion of people who used the Internet from 1998 to 2000