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IELTS : The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men & women


Bivek3 2 / 5  
Aug 21, 2013   #1
Dear community: Could you please give me how much marks will I get out of 9 in this essay? Thank you in advance.

Cambridge IELTS book 2 >> Test 2 >> Writing task 1

The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

Answer:
The given graph shows the hours of leisure time in a typical week enjoyed by males and females of different employment status between the year 1998 and 1999.

To begin, Unemployed males and retired males have maximum leisure time, that is approximately 80 hours per week, but in the case of unemployed females and retired females, they have comparatively less leisure time, that is about 72 hours per week.

It is interesting to see that employed full time males have more free time than employed part time females, which are approximately 48 hours and 40 hours per week respectively. Fulltime employed women have comparatively less free time which is about 38 hours per week. Housewives have approximately 50hrs per week leisure time which is slightly more than the leisure time that fulltime employed males get.

Finally to conclude unemployed and retired people enjoy for about same time which is maximum, and all other employment status enjoy between 38-50 hours per week. The conclusion that can be drawn from the graph is; females enjoy comparatively less than their male counterpart.




EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Aug 21, 2013   #2
Bivek3
I don't know how to give a mark. The writing looks excellent, though.

...status between the years 1998 and 1999.

To begin, Unemployed unemployed males and retired males have a maximum leisure time of approximately 80 hours per week, but in the case of unemployed females and retired females they have comparatively less leisure time, that is only about 72 hours per week.

***I understand how you were using "in the case of" but it actually is not strong writing. It is a phrase with a lot of words. Strong writing does not often use more words than needed.

***This type of writing is very hard! You did well with it. Try to keep the sentenced short if they contain a lot of data, or they will be hard to read.


Use a hyphen: full-time... part-time

...females, which are approximately 48 hours and 40 hours per week respectively. ---This sentence is correct, great job.

Full-time employed women ---How about this:
Women employed full-time have comparatively less free time, which is about 38 hours per week.
I changed the order of the first words and deleted "which is"... so the sentence is simpler and clearer.

: )

The conclusion that can be drawn from the graph: Females enjoy comparatively less free time than their male counterparts .


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