this is a part of a short story, i need some grammerical check, and also i'd like to know where in the story is it hard to follow? is it boring? if so where in this piece u lose ur interest in reading? where it stops flowing?
i really appreciate ur thoughts, it means a ot to me.:)
"I'm sorry for all that is happening, but..."
"But what? You can't deny anything. It was you. This whole shit is about you. IT WAS YOU who got me into this. IT WAS YOU whom they were after. IT IS FOR YOU that I'm now in the middle of nowhere..." I yelled at him with the loudest and wildest voice that had ever come out of my mouth.
He cut my word, "I'm sorry. I wish I could take you back. I would do anything to get you back." he paused and looked down, "I wish I could go back in time, I promise I would fix everything this time" he murmured, and this time I knew I he wasn't talking to me anymore.
We stood there in silence under the dying light of moon and stars for a very long moment, and not for a second we moved our eyes; his fixed on the ground and mine on his tired face.
At last, I decided to break the silence rather to lighten the heavy guilt that was growing on my heart,
"I'm s..." .
Something banged not so far behind us, and I felt my heart fell somewhere far down in my stomach; apparently I wasn't the only one who had decided to break the silence. I gazed at him on horror and confusion, "How did they fin-"
Something exploded again, this time a few feet away from us, and it finished my question with a hysterical scream; it was then that someone started shooting. Without any intention I found myself crumbled on the muddy ground, clenching my frozen fingers behind my head. I saw a bullet digging deep down into the mud next to me, I knew it was only because of the twilight that I wasn't shot yet, but I also knew I had to move or it was death that was awaiting me. But in my whole body not a single cell had the nerve to move, I was as stiff as a stone. Fear had stamped me to the ground.
It was his cry that brought me back to earth,
"RUN!" he shouted, "RUN, DAMN IT, RUN!"
I looked up at him that was standing next to me, dragging me up by my shoulders; His face was paler that the moon that was shining above his head.
I got on my shaking feet and I started running with him. I ran with the all the strength I had, and with the fastest speed I could afford.
Soon my feet were barely touching the ground; I had never ever run this fast in my life. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be ever able run this fast. I ran with him.
I ran for my life.
The first thing you should do is revise your essay to contain stronger verbs, ruthlessly eliminating forms of "to be" and "to have" wherever possible. The parts where you rely almost entirely on these verbs really weaken your work. For example:
"It was you. This whole shit is about you. IT WAS YOU who got me into this. IT WAS YOU whom they were after. IT IS FOR YOU that I'm now in the middle of nowhere"
and again
"I knew it was only because of the twilight that I was n't shot yet, but I also knew I had to move or it was death that was awaiting me. But in my whole body not a single cell had the nerve to move, I was as stiff as a stone. Fear had stamped me to the ground."
So, replace these weak, anemic verbs with strong vibrant ones, and your essay will rapidly improve.
Something exploded again, this time a few feet away from us, and it finished my question with a hysterical scream; it was then that someone started shooting. Without any intention I found myself crumbled on the muddy ground, clenching my frozen fingers behind my head.
Wow, great writing here. It made me go back and read again. I sort of want to know what happens next, but I have to put it out of my mind and continue my work. I think you should use a period after "scream" and start a new sentence, though.
You write very well!
