Please help me proofread this ielts essay
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it a valuable work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?
Essay:
Child labour has been a public concern that requently generates a great deal of heated debate. While some supporters maintain that the most effective way to educate children is on the job, I strongly believe that child labour is an act of cruelty which should never be justified under any circumstances.
Undoubtedly, the practice of child labour have distinctly negative impacts on the development of childen, physically and socially. Firstly, majority of working children were forced to do repetive jobs for very low pay in the sweatshop.
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Your writing is good, but i have some suggestion about your structure writing
It is better to :
1. make second body to be more bulky
2. use one idea in first body, and multiple idea in second body
3. give 3 reason in second body
4. discuss both views, first body is contrast, and second body pro
5. give final thought in the last sentence in conclusion such opinion or hope.
Haibg, I have some suggestions for you..
There are some mistakes that have you made like grammatical errors and misspelling.
Also, you have to separate between your introduction and your body paragraph.
Then, for the conclusion, better if you put personal thought.
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it a valuable work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?
Essay:
Child labour has been a public concern that requently generates a great deal of heated debate. While some supporters maintain that the most effective way to educate children is on the job, I strongly believe that child labour is an act of cruelty which should never be justified under any circumstances.
Undoubtedly, the practice of child labour havehas distinctly negative impacts on the development of childen , physically and socially. Firstly, the majority of working children were forced to do repetive jobs for very low pay in the sweatshop. The poor working conditions without safety equipment, ventillation systems...can cause serious health problems in children. Secondly, working at such an early age could also impair the development of social ability of children. When they don'tdo not spend enough time with others of their own age or with family members , childern are at high risk to develop the problematic social behaviours like drug abuse and aggression.
Another problematic aspect of child labour would be the deprivation of education. The children working full-time have no opportunity to get access to education, which would prevent them from developing neccessay cognitive skills. Even if they work part -time and attend the school, their academic performance are often poorer than others who're fully devoted to study. Moreover, the lack of education means that another generation of illiterate children comes into vicious circle of poverty without a real tool to fight against . They will have to work for the rest of their lifes without any opportunities opportunity to find a better paid job due to lack of neccessay skills.
In conclusion, it can notcannot be denied that paid work must be a part and parcel of human life, however, working at a such young age should never be encouraged because of its physical and social harms.
