IT IS BETTER FOR CHILDREN IF THE WHOLE FAMILY INCLUDING AUNTS, UNCLES, AND SO ON ARE INVOLVED IN A CHILD'S UPBRINGING, RATHER THAN JUST THEIR PARENTS.
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?
For editing, content, and formatting needs please contact us at email@example.com. Thank you! EF
There is an opinion that children benefit more if they are raised in an extended family rather than a nuclear family. Personally, I disagree with this view for several reasons.
Firstly, childcare by parents together undoubtedly improves their children's mental and physical development. This is chiefly because mothers engaged in childcare often provide nurturing care and emotional support, while fathers usually spend more time in playful and physically stimulating interactions with their children. Of course, one might argue that when young people grow up, for instance, with grandparents, uncles and aunts, they can also gain additional affections and participate with them in certain physical activities. However, since older relatives tend to have less physical stamina and perhaps much less sentimental bond with young children, their interactions are not as active and empathic as the parent-child ones.
In addition, growing up in an immediate family allows children to avoid conflict in terms of lifestyles between their parents and other caregivers. This is because when interacting with his parents, a young child is only exposed to a particular way of reasoning, which ultimately shapes his future moral stance and social-emotional outcomes. As a result, this can mitigate the risk of ideological conflict in the child's mind caused by extended family members. For example, although children will be allowed to play video games for hours on end if living with uncles and aunts, they will be told to use their time more wisely by their parents at home, which in turn, may engender bewildered children.
In conclusion, the childrearing by both parents is superior because it enables children to better develop the mental and physical conditions and adhere well to their parents' way of living. These benefits are not as pronounced or even not found in the child's upbringing by an extended family.
I'd very appreciate if you could grade mine based on IELTS descriptors. Thanks.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,948 3857
Reviews for essays based on IELTS band descriptors are done in a private capacity already. Right now, we only offer general reviews for the essays provided. The review of your essay will still be useful to you as a reference.
Your opinion is incomplete. While this is an agree or disageree essay, it is also, an extent essay. So your response is only partly correct as it does not respond using the emotional response requirement. You will only get a partial score for your partly correct response format.
Now, the reasoning paragraphs are acceptable with the exception of your reference to the stamina of the extended family. You are automatically assuming that the elderly relatives will be caring for the children rather than a mix of both young and old relatives, creating an error in your judgement of the prompt discussion requirement. You may receive deductions for this incorrect assumption.
The conclusion was good, but failed to add a reference to your extent response, which the examiner will look for when awarding scores per paragraph consideration, prior to the full scoring consideration.