[TOEFL] Children's academic success is influenced by parents or classmates?

Topic : Classmates have more influence than parents on a child's academic success in school.

Nowadays, some people hold that classmates play a significant role to increase the scholastic achievement, but others express the different views. They think that parents have an important effect in children's academic success. As far as I am concerned, I agree the first statement. There are numerous reasons why I hold on, and I would explore only a few primary ones here.

The main reason for my propensity is I believe the peers in same class motivate others. Motivation is one of the important factors to achieve a goal, especially in school. Always, there are some students who have an excellent learning ability. They can be a role model in study and encourage other students to improve own grades. According to a recent study conducted by the National Research Foundation of Korea, it found that people tend to be assiduous at their studies when they study with an honor student in same class. People who take the same class can discover some good point of the top students through spending their almost time in school. That helps students to get the better academic achievements.

Another reason can see by every people is that students can advice to each other about something such as problem on study and their academic goals. That is because they spend a lot of time in similar circumstance and most of students are in the same boat. Children have a number of similar experiences in the school and they share their experiences through talking about that and asking some pieces of advice. Therefore, children are able to understand one another than anyone based on shared experiences. In addition, the advice of the pupils is really helpful because the advice comes from the students' experience that they overcome the troubles in school.

In conclusion, friends can give motivation with ease to each other and advice to each other when it comes to their goals or problem of studying. Taking into account of all these, we may reach the conclusion that, classmates are helpful for high academic success of student.

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Is that okay?
Please correct the errors of this essay.

I feel it's too short and need some elaboration. Try giving some examples from real experience of how classmates influence others. Like maybe, "My brothers friend, blablabla...."

Because if you write it only like this, it feels so theoritical :)

To be honesty, I have a IELTS writting habit so I could't get adjusted to TOEFL.
I will try to write long~ essay with personal examples ^^!
Thanks a lot :) !!