Children's access to computer games - improve my writing skill

Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's studies. On the contracy, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion?

Answer:

It's argued that computer games are valueless and harmful to children's mental and physical development. This essay compeletly agrees with this opinion due to the bad effects these games bring to teenagers. The essay will show why it approves of the opinion.

First of all, one of the most obvious damages is that these games are highly addictive. It is universal known that many teenagers usually sit in front of computer screen for many straight hours or even a whole day to play games. As a consequence, they spend less time doing excercises and thus many of them start having health problems. According to a recent report, the proportion of obesity among adolescents in some big cites in Vietnam is really high and the main factor responsible for it are eating too much sweet and lack of physical activities. Some others surveys even said that many young male boys had died as a result of playing too much games without intake.

On the other hand, addiction to computer games is definitely damaging to children's mentality in various aspects. For one thing, spending more time in playing games means having less time for study. It is not surprised that those who are addicted to games always find it hard to meet the deadline of their school assignments. For another, it is too difficult for children to pay attention to their studies when their mind just concentrate to games. Furthermore, lots of obscene and vilolent scenses in computer games might bring them to commit criminal actions.

In short, from the points mentioned above, it is fair to conclude that computer games are indeed valueless and detrimental to the development of young children. Therefore, schools as well as parents should be alert to the issue and find effective remedy to restrict chidren to access computer games.

John, for starters, your opening statement has a redundancy because you stated your opinion twice in the paragraph. You only need to state that once. What you should have done, was increase the amount of overview information that you presented after the paraphrasing of the prompt. Presenting a summary of the upcoming discussion would have helped to not only avoid redundancy, but also provided a better focus for the reader in terms of being able to follow your flow of thought and discussion.

When you quote information your essay such as "according to recent reports", you need to be able to mention who mentioned, the information and why, along with where you got the information. Otherwise, it becomes hearsay and weakens the essay. Hearsay means that there is no actual source of the information so it should not be deemed as true and verified. It is best if you just keep the information in this type of essay limited to your personal experience or knowledge. That way your task accuracy score is not affected.

Then we have the problem of you mentioning schools in the concluding statement of the essay. The schools were never part of the original prompt information and therefore, should not be included in any of your paragraphs. Add to that the fact that you should not have presented the resolution to the problem as your concluding statement.

The resolution should have been another paragraph in the essay. Ideally, it should have been the 4th paragraph with the 5th paragraph representing the summation of the prompt, discussion, plan of action, and your opinion. Keep in mind that no new ideas can be presented in the conclusion as there is not enough room to continue developing the discussion if it becomes necessary to do so in order to close the essay.

hello, here is my advices to you:

try to change these expressions :

For one thing = First or firstly are more academic.

For another = In addition to this... (more academic)

please pay attention to punctuation, especially in your first and second paragraphs.

I really like the way you finished your essay. Bravo!!

you have a very good skills. please continue.