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Children's bad habits, for example they always eat some dirty, unhealthy foods


septiadara29 48 / 67 9  
Oct 25, 2016   #1
Many childrean these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Writing Task 2 Unit 2C (Page 25)

Nowadays, many kids have an unhealthy lifestyle. Some people argue that schools and parents have a main role to be more responsible about this situation. However, in my opinion, another party has also an important role for building behavioral of healthy lifestyle in children.

One possible reason which causes young people have a bad habit about their lifestyle is they always eat some dirty foods from local authorities or food productions. The reason is because the children are more attract with the packaging of the food and the taste is more favourable. In addition, the price is affordable to be reached for most children. For instance, although the students have bring their own meal from home, they still kept buying and eating these foods because it takes more their attention. In result, it can cause some diseases to children, such as stomachache or cough. In fact, the children should change the way of their lifestyle to become more healthier.

On one hand, to help children solve this problem not only from schools or parents which have big responsbility, but also the food factories should take a part to reduce the damage. It because children cannot stop eating snacks or unhealthy foods, so food productions have to create an inovation. For example, they can produce healthy snacks which contain high nutrition, such as vegetable oil or fruit exctract. So children can keep getting more benefit through these foods. Besides, they can help to encourage the kids eat healthier foods.

In conclusion, the reason of unhealthy lifestyle in children is mainly caused by the packaging of the food products which provide the delicious taste, also the price is cheap enough for them. However, another party such as the food factories can take more responsbility to change their habit by creating new healthy snacks which contains more vitamins and proteins. (307 words)

Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Oct 25, 2016   #2
halo asep.. welcome to essay forum. before continue to my comments, i want to suggest you, that you need to give your comments, 2 comments before you upload your essays after this. Here, my comments for you..

1. Please seperate each paragraph clearly. Readers will not know about the composition of your essay if you do this. which one your thesis statement, your body, even i do not know how grouping this essay.

1. Nowadays, many kids have an unhealthy lifestyle...
Using of kid in writing task for IELTS is not allowed. It is because kids is slang word.
2.One possible reason which causes young people have a bad habit ...
The reasonIT is because the children are (...) and the taste isARE more favourable.
3.In result, it can cause some diseases to children, such as stomachache orAND cough.
... their lifestyle to become more healthier.healthier (if you use more healthier, it has 2 comperatives.Healthier means more healthy )
Anna94 47 / 56 3  
Oct 25, 2016   #3
Hello,

Let me give you some suggestion about your writing

... the students have bring [brought] their own meal from home,
they still kept [keep, the case connect to present] buying and eating these foods
... way of their lifestyle to become more healthier [you only can write healthier, beacuse it is redundant]

Eventhough you have opinion about other party beside parents and schools, you still have to explain more about it in another paragraph. In your essay, you explain to much about food production and give less part of teacher and school or may be other party. Because the question ask writer to explain both of parents and schools.

Gluck :D
badafebriani17 34 / 44 1  
Oct 25, 2016   #4
This is my suggestion.

1. although the students have bring their own meal from home, they still kept buying and eating these foods ...

have +usually followed by V3
food-->collocation [foodstuff/meal/diet]

although the students bring their own meal from their homes, they still kept for buying and eating these foods because it takes more their attention than other meals.

2. In fact, the children ...

such as......, ....... ,and/or ........(you better add "comma")
more.....than.....
... way of their lifestyles to become more healthier than before.
Pramudia27 34 / 55 2  
Oct 25, 2016   #5
hello asep..
firstly, you should make your paragraph clearer owing to the fact that the fist thing that the examiner will be looked is your introduction.

... parents have a main role to be more responsible about this situation .
... an important role for building behavioralbehavioural healthy lifestyle in children.
... the children aremore attract with the packaging of the food, and the taste is more favourable.
... affordable to be reached for the most children.
... eating these foods because it takes more their attention.
... the way of their lifestyle tobecome more healthier.
So children can keep getting more benefit t hrough these foods.
... as the food factories can takemore responsbilityresponsibility to change their habit by creating (...) which containsmore vitamins and proteins. [maybe you can change it with "a lots ...."

more......+ than .....==> comparison ==>it is compare with something else
most==> The most
Fadhilahumar91 61 / 73 6  
Oct 26, 2016   #6
hii..

Nowadays, many kids have an ...

I can say that your task response out of topic. This is because the question say "Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?".

So, you should mention both views and argue your opinion 'agree' or "disagree". Also, you should mention the specific reason why do you argue about it?


One possible reason which causes ...

I found some misspellings in your essay, please re-check again.
Now than, you make an unclear position, your main idea in the body 1 is not relevant with the question. When you want to mention other factors which responsible for children's unhealthy lifestyle, it is possible, but before you mention these, you must mention parents and schools.


On one hand, to help children solve ...

In your body paragraph 2 is a same case in the body 1. I hope, in the next writing you can write a better essay.

In conclusion, the reason of unhealthy ...

THank You,
Keep Writing
mardian24 46 / 75  
Oct 30, 2016   #7
Hi septidara29

1. There are some errors for spelling
responsbility ----> responsibility
inovation ----> innovation
exctract ----> extract
responsbility ----> responsibility

2. ... are more attractattractive with the packaging of ...
Because attract is verb, so for the best word formation is 'attractive' (adjective) to explain what is children interest about

3. ... of their lifestyle to become more healthier.
healthier is a comparative form. You can use more + adjective or just health + er, so just eliminate more to make a comparative in this sentece

Thanks


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