responsibility for obesity among youngsters
TOPIC:
In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
ESSAY:
Childhood obesity is indeed one of the most prevailing problems in many countries. While I agree that the authorities are responsible for this major issue, I also believe that it is the duty of every mother and father to keep their children in good shape.
On the one hand, there are those who believe that the government is the one to blame for this issue. The main argument is that the authorities often spend only a small portion of the nation' s annual budget for public amenities such as parks and children's playgrounds. This improper budget allocation could result in the degradation of children's public amenities, thus limiting the choices of younger generations in terms of having a place for outdoor activities. As a result, instead of playing outside, children choose to stay home and spend their leisure time with computer games and watching TV. This unhealthy habit is the main cause of childhood obesity, as children burn fewer calories and inactive for long periods.
On the other hand, I side with those who believe that parents should have the responsibility for this major problem. As child-rearing is one of the most important duties of each mother and father, parents should be proactive in terms of finding a way to instill active lifestyles in their children. In order to do this, encouraging children to participate in their school's sports teams is a good choice, as they can socialize with their peers and enjoy the delightfulness of sports. Besides, parents should carefully select the right diet for their kids and limit them from eating too many foods that rich in fat and sugar.
In conclusion, it is indeed that the government should have responsibility for the obesity of younger generations. However, it is also the duty of parents in terms of promoting healthy lifestyles to their children.
Please review my ielts writing task 2, thanks for reading!@longbango
Hi there! I have some suggestions for you
1. Since the task asks for your opinion, you should state your own views instead of writing about what others believe. Therefore, you should rewrite your first paragraph to fulfill the requirement.
2. spend only a small portion... for on public....
3. spend their leisure time with on...
4. stay inactive
5. for long periods a long period
6. select choose the right diet
7. limit deter them from eating...
8. foods that rich in are rich in/ contain a large amount of
9.It is indeed that seems a little bit unnatural to me. You can change it to something like not only the government but also parents should shoulder the responsibility of children's harmful lifestyles.
@longbango
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. If you find this feedback helpful, I hope you come back for more. Aside from the feedback that's already been provided, I'll do my best to assist you even more so.
While the first paragraph is sufficient, I recommend revising it in order to improve the overall formatting of the text. The readers should be able to fathom what the direction of the work will be in the succeeding portions of the text. With what you have now, you have merely reiterated opinionated notions rather than expounding the entirety of the text. Bear this in mind.
Furthermore, I recommend expounding with more ease the reasons why the writren work should be given attention to. Add more intricate details that would create more specifications throughout your writing.
