drinks unhealthy for kids
In the past few years, a drastic change has been observed in the eating and drinking habits of children. These days, there has been a rise in the consumption of sugar-based drinks amongst kids. People need to take strict actions to control this negative development as it adversely impacts the growth of the children.
The increase in the consumption of these aerated drinks is due to the significant rise in the advertisements. The companies are now targeting the younger generation to sell their products. They have strategically designed their campaigns by luring the kids through attractive and colourful packing and showcasing the superheroes and film stars promoting the consumption of these drinks. As a result, children are influenced to buy these sugar-based beverages which create a negative impact on their health in the long run. Moreover, these carbonated drinks are quite economical and readily available in the market. Hence, children find it easy and affordable to purchase it. For example, in India, a bottle of Coca-Cola is sold at Rs.10 which is cheaper as compared to fresh fruits juices.
However, the consumption of these sugary drinks can cause severe diseases in the long run. Henceforth, strict measures should be taken to restrict the intake of such drinks. Parents play a major role in reducing the consumption of these drinks. They should educate their children about the ill-effects and the critical diseases which it can cause. Furthermore, the government should impose heavy taxes and restrictions on selling the carbonated beverages. This will further reduce the production and intake of it.
To conclude, a collaborative approach of the government and parents are required to discourage the consumption of these sugar-based drinks and to have a healthy and secure future. Parents should inculcate healthy practices amongst their kids by encouraging them to have fresh fruits juices. The government should impose strict policies to restrict the selling of such unhealthy drinks.
I think you make a clear point of views in your essay. But I think maybe you can slightly change the last paragraph.
Parents should inculcate healthy practices ... The government should...
Can change in this way:
With these solutions, children can lead a more healthy life than ever before. In fact, instead of keeping a firm grip on children's eating habits, it's wiser to help them cultivate self-descipline in the long run.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,194 3644
Chinky, your opening paraphrase has 2 sentences at the start that say the same thing only in different ways. That is a redundancy and you will lose points for that. You want to present a full 5 sentences in the opening paraphrase that offer the reader some new information in every sentence. So one way of approaching this prompt would have been:
Children have been steadily increasing their consumption of sodas. In this essay, I will be presenting a specific reason as to why the number of children drinking sodas are on the upswing. I will also try to present a solution to this problem based upon public opinion and personal experience.
Without really knowing what the original prompt is, since you did not present it with this essay, I will have to assume that the original prompt is similar to what I created. Please remember to upload the original prompt along with your response essay next time so that you can get a better and more focused review of your essay response.
Your second paragraph was strong and should have closed on a very strong note if you had not suddenly introduced the example at the end of the paragraph, without actually developing that discussion. As such, you will lose additional points for an under developed discussion. In all instances, just present one topic per paragraph in order to avoid points reduction due to under discussed presentations.
As for the solution, the same rule applies. Either discuss the parents or discuss the government role in reducing the children's consumption of soda. We need a clear discussion and information presentation each time. At the moment, that is not happening in your presentations due to the overload in information you are trying to get across to the reader.
You should pick either parents performance or governments to explain further in your essay, you just dropped two sentences about each role and not explain either of them. that kind of writing will cost you low scores. I am preparing myself for IELTS and that is one of the things an English teacher advised me a week ago, it is better for you to pick only one and expand the explanation about it rather than mention of all them. Hope this helps!
Thanks! for the valuable feedback.
Will surely take care of it.