Topic: Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion.
Not too long ago the childhood was recognized with the children who was playing in grounds and making noise in streets, cheering and competing in football matches. Today we are witnessing silent neighbourhoods, where those energetic activities of children no longer exist and they have been replaced with absolute silence and people with eyes pinned to their smart phones, playing a video game. This situation is alarming a group of sociologists who advocate outdoor activities and believe youngsters should be discouraged from spending a majority of their time on visual entertaining devices like computers. I utterly agree with this idea as I believe outdoor activities positively influence children's health and social lives.
To begin with, obesity among children has become a crucial issue in today's world. The average time that children at the age range of 7 to 10 years old spend on physical activities in the US has been approximated to be less than 1 hour a week. This shocking numbers reveal that there is an imbalance between the amount of calories children receive and consume through their daily routine life. Playing computer games for hours every day prevent youngsters from attending sport activities, thus, they gain weight which contributes to many cardiovascular diseases and increases the blood pressures. In short, we need to give children incentive to participate in more outdoor activities with the intent to save their health and place them into better physical states.
Moreover, dependency of children on computers and the Internet has affected their social lives adversely. The advent of social networking communication models has taken the chance of face-to-face interaction from children. As a consequence, children do not learn how to express their ideas or even feelings to the opposite gender in the real life, since they always speak, argue, and make friend through online commenting and social networking. On the other hand, activities like sports provide young people with a world of opportunities to develop their communication skills. With exposure to such atmospheres they find the ways of making friends and overcoming social difficulties such as bullying. If they always stay at home under their parents' protection, they would acquire none of these lessons that the society teaches them.
To sum up, nowadays indoors activities, in particular playing computer games and social networking, have occupied a major part of children's lives, which negatively impact them socially and physically. Hence, If we seek a healthier society with more advanced people in terms of socialization, it is our responsibilities to steer our children towards more physical exercises.
OK seems nobody has any suggestions, so I had another look at my work and found these grammar errors :DDD
the children who
the blood pressure
Playing computer games for hours every day prevents youngsters
please help me find other errors :DD
Hey Ahmad, sorry about not getting back to you sooner. You already spotted the parts that need correction so I am not sure what else I have to correct for you:-) So I will comment on your content instead. For starters, I hope that you can learn to write your opinion essays without constantly using the word "utterly" to emphasize your point. I would reserve the word for more serious matters for consideration and other academic papers. Using it in constantly in your IELTS practice tests just shows that you have limited your English vocabulary to that single word in order to emphasize agreement. You could say things such as "I strongly agree, I passionately agree," or simply put, "I agree". You see, it is best to present a simple agreement at the start, building up the strong reasons for your agreement throughout the paper. Your strong connection to the opinion is better read than emphasized at the start :-) It offers a stronger build up for your reasons as the reader goes along as well.
I would reserve the word for more serious matters for consideration and other academic papers. Using it in constantly in your IELTS practice tests just shows that you have limited your English vocabulary to that single word in order to emphasize agreement. You could say things such as "I strongly agree, I passionately agree," or simply put, "I agree".
:DD I used "utterly" cause I like this word :D if it is not appropriate I'll avoid using it in the future. Thank you :)