Hii, Auntum_waltz, I have several discussion and suggestion for your writing, I hope these can help you.
Some members of the community(what kind of community?, I think if you want to make your first sentence specific, you should to make it more specific and unique to attract the examiner) argue that children should be educated even in their free time. I tend to agree with this point of view. In my opinion, childhood is the most important stage of human development(important stage inhuman development) , during which the child learns virtually from everything - be it text books or games.
I am of opinion that your introduction paragraph is well developed enough; you, nevertheless, should enrich your vocabulary to be more advance if you want to get 7.0 or higher. Here are some obvious example for you.a.) Children = toddler, youngster, or a three-years-old child, etc.
b.) free time = leisure time, spare time.
c.) I tend to agree = I would support the idea/assumption.
d.) in my opinion = I am of opinion, In my personal view etc.
e.) important stage = formative stage
According to(as per) scientists, children have to be taught almost all the time,(you do not need to put coma here. the formula is S+V because S+V or because S+V, S+V ) because the childhood is the time when the most significant processes(I suggest you to make it more specific) in their lives occur. In particular, it is the only stage of people's lives when they can be taught how to behave with others
people and communicate both verbally and non-verbally. If the socialization during the early years did not take place, a person will never adapt to the human world and will fail(neglect) to learn any language. It is for this reason that I strongly believe that this precious time of childhood should not be wasted, but better be used wisely. Parents have to provide their offspring with that sort of education that the letter need so much. Of course, it is children's free time that can be filled(loaded) with such lessons on socialization.
Usually, children's free time is related to playing various sorts of games.In fact(as a matter of fact) , children need to be taught to play games. They need someone to show them how to perform in various role games or explain them the rules of the popular(enviable) hide-and-seek. In the process, parents educate them on safety and on how to analyze the behavior(attitude) of other participants. During active games, children also learn to control their bodies.
(you should add a signal word to mention that you want to make a conclusion in this paragraph) The physical and psychological condition of children increases the role of education in their lives. Since education catalyzes their development, children better be given lessons in their free time(change this phrase) .here are straightforward example to emphasize that you want to make a conclusion in your essay:1.) To conclude
2.) To summarize
3.) to sum up
4.) in conclusion
5.) it is clear
6.) the aforementioned /aforesaid ...
7.) it seems to me that
I hope this comment can help you. and do not forget to give me thumb. :)KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.