Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Children are educated about the right and wrong differentiation, and often by force

Hoang Dinh 1 / 1  
Jul 30, 2018   #1
Topic: It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

physical punishment as a way to teach kids what not to do?

My essay:

The cruciality of the fact that children are supposed to be educated about the right and wrong differentiation with punishment has been widely confirmed. Despite my agreement with this opinion, I believe that the proper application of penalty also needs to be taken into consideration.

On the one hand, the advantages of children' early awareness about the good and bad are quite clear for some reasons. Firstly, babies of this stage are in the process of forming personalities and characteristics; therefore, they can be easily instilled with moral lessons. In fact, the teenagers at this period do not have so much real exposure to society, driving them into the situation like a ship on the sea without direction, so the sound involvement in this stage will bring positive benefits to set their moral background as a good man. Secondly, early education will help children to avoid wrongdoings and escape from being badly-intendedly utilized. Lack of practical knowledge makes teenagers become more vulnerable to social evils, requiring an early appropriate education by their precedents.

On the other hand, I have a consensus that in order to teach children effectively, punishment has to be reasonably applied. Firstly, penalty for wrongdoers gives an opportunity for their reflection on their personal misconducts and to build up their pool of experience. The gift for right action and punishment for wrong one has been considered to be a motivation and an acting frame with confirmed benefits respectively, for every action will be given a thorough thinking to obey the set forth rules before being conducted, leading to much easier goal achievement. However, the varied types of penalty have to be rationally used to ensure the best effects. For the case of children, such kinds of punishment as not being allowed to play or go out, not being given gifts, except coral punishment or scolding should be properly applied. Moreover, a clear explanation will also have to be followed with a view to raising children's alert for the wrong.

To conclude, it is necessary that children get an early education about the difference between the right and the wrong. I have a strong belief that an appropriate kind of punishment will boost the effectiveness of this teaching.

Please give me some feedbacks on my essay. I am very grateful for your kind help!

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,611 2509  
Jul 31, 2018   #2
Hoang, long and wordy sentences will not assure you of a high score in the Task 2 essay. Only clear, concise, and cohesive sentences of 3-5 sentences in every paragraph can do that. Your paragraph sentences are mostly extremely long run-on sentences that focus so much on your vocabulary usage but have very little to do with presenting clear, on point discussions. The most basic rule is 1 topic per paragraph. The most basic tenet for the overall essay is, stick to the prompt requirements.

The requirement is for you to give an extent response in the essay paraphrase. That means, restating the prompt as close as possible to the original, using terms that clearly indicate an understanding of the prompt, without changing the discussion instructions. The prompt asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" so your choice of responses, based on the opinion you presented (but should not have) in the opening paraphrase are as follows:

I partially agree...
I am divided on the opinion that...
I agree/disagree to the extent that...

Now, normally, this type of essay is written from a single point of agreement so that the writer does not have to try to think of different reasons to support an opinion. That allows the writer to write only 4 paragraphs instead of 5, which is what usually happens when a partial agreement is used for the discussion. In my opinion, you should use only the one sided discussion so as to save time for editing and revision of content towards the end of the time limit.

A simple essay discussion is sufficient enough to gain you a high scoring consideration. Focusing on delivering the scoring requirements, rather than an extensive but not properly developed essay, will result in better scoring results overall for you. Just look at your second paragraph. You could have offered direct and reasonable discussions in relation to the topic sentence at the start but you muddled it with the presentation of an almost undeveloped second topic in the paragraph. If you do not have 5 sentences with which to explain a new topic, you should not add it to the end of an already existing and completely developed paragraph.

Limit the ideas discussion per paragraph. Don't try to use the whole dictionary and encyclopedia in your essay. Keep it simple, the examiner and your scores will thank you for it. Consider that because of your focus on showing off your vocabulary, you did not correctly discuss the types of punishments that would be more appropriate anymore. It is almost like an afterthought in your presentation already. It should have been, one alternative punishment, one complete explanation with supporting facts. That is always how it is done. Be direct. Get to the point as soon as you can. That will better showcase your English writing abilities in terms of GRA, C&C and LR considerations.
OP Hoang Dinh 1 / 1  
Jul 31, 2018   #3
Thank you very much for your really great comments. I will try to practice more and hope that you will give me more feedbacks for further essays.

Again I am grateful for your kind help.

Home / Writing Feedback / Children are educated about the right and wrong differentiation, and often by force