Most of children in elementary school have a dangerous habit of overusing their handphone

Question

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problems.
To what extend do you agree with this statement?

Answer
Nowadays, most of children in elementary school have a habit like always uses handphone. Even, almost every parents gives handphone to their son. Numerous children use their handphone for bad activity such as watch and save pornograph in their handphone. In fact, 70 percent children have been watched or seen pornograph since elementary school. In my view, it's tremendous dangerous because according research that pornograph can ruin the brain human and can alter habits after see it. Therefore, education institution and parents must role for solve this problem.

Firstly, Education regarding pornograph must start from family. Parents must tell to their children about pornograph can harm them. Furthermore, they also must prevent with no let their children alone when use handphone and better if parents only allow their children play with handphone in weekend and always remain to accompany their children.

Secondly, school also support their student when at school. However, when children are studying in school, teacher has responsibility to avoid their student from bad affect particularly pornograph. One of solution they can repeatly give them knowledge about pornograph and sex education. It's very important, hence most of children have curiousity about everything. So education institution also must together with parents solve this problem.

Thirdly, society also give bad affect for children. When they has bad friends, probably they wiill follow their friends. They will influenced easily. In contrast, when they have many good friends, it can make them follow they friend's habit. Because that society also determine ways of life to children.

In conclusion, I agree education institution and parents are essensial to solve this problem. They must need to solve this problem together.

Alfin, did you copy your paper from Yuri's essay? Somehow the two of you made the same mistake in referring to handphones as the central theme of your essay instead of opting to do what the prompt is asking you to do. That is to agree or disagree with the statement previously provided in the prompt. You even go on to discuss pornography in the essay. When the actual focus of the response should have been on whether the school and the parents of a child are both responsible for the unhealthy lifestyle of children or not. Band score for task accuracy would be 1 due to prompt deviation. Inability to properly paraphrase the prompt requirements and improper discussion of the topic provided. That is even though your conclusion is in line with the prompt provided. The whole discussion prior to that deviated from the prompt expectations and requirements. Therefore, your failed in the task accuracy component which, as we all know, comprises a great deal of the final score because that is the basis of your English comprehension skills scoring. Failure to comprehend instructions means you do not have the right English intellectual capacity to succeed outside of the English training classroom yet.

hai alfin
there are several suggestions for you
hope it helps

Nowadays, most of childrens in elementary school ...

Even, almost every parents gives handphone tofor their son.

... as watch and save pornography in their handphone.

... watched or seen pornography since elementary school.
... because according to the research that pornography can ruin the brain ...
... and parents must have role for solvesolving this problem.

Thirdly, society also gives bad affecteffect for children.

When they hashave bad friends, probably they wiillwill follow their friends. They will be influenced easily.
Because that society also determines ways of ...

thanks

Hi alfin, let me give some corrections

1. There are some spelling errors
pornograph ----> pornography
repeatly ----> repeatedly
curiousity ----> curiosity
wiill ----> will
essensial ----> essential

2. ... a habit like always usesusing handphone.
It is double verb on your sentence. There are 'have' and 'uses'. You can change 'uses' into 'using' to avoid from this problem.

3. In fact, 70 percent children have been watched or seen ...
From the meaning, you should use active form rather than passive.

Thankyou
Keep Writing

Even, almost every parentsparent gives handphone to their son (the word "every" indicate singular, so you use only "parent")

such as watch and save pornographpornography in their handphone

... been watched or seen pornographpornography since elementary school

according to research (you missing preposition after "according")

that pornographpornography can ruin

their children alone when useusing handphone (you must change to gerund form)

Secondly, the school (you miss article)
One of solution they can repeatlyrepeat give them (infinitive form is modal + V1)

have curiousitycuriosity about everything.

Thirdly, society also give gives bad affect for children (singular subject)

When they hashave bad friends (after "they", you must use "have")

probably they wiillwill follow their friends

They will influencedinfluence easily (remember infinitive form, after "will" must use V1)

parents are essensialessential to solve this problem

thank you