Children should be encouraged to play outdoors games that require physical activity?

(In this essay I write for my writing task 2, so I hopefully need your feedback for better essays)

Some people think that children should be encouraged to play outdoors games that require physical activities instead of playing computer games in their home?

Do you agree or disagree?

Use of computer games by the youngsters at home has become a major issue. It is important to evaluate the influence of this on their mental health and behavior. I am in complete agreement that outdoor games should be encouragedly played by children that desire of physical movements than computer games.

Since computer games are major sources of staying inside the houses of kids, limiting the uses of these games console allows children to participate more in outside playground and they get better health. The young's time and attention is absolutely reserved for video games neither sports or relaxation. By approving them of hanging out with friends and playing sports, children can reduce the ability of gaining weight and negative affects eyesight which leads to promote their health effectively. My niece has a weak eyesight because she is constantly getting more screen time from her tablet playing video games.However, my nephew, who often plays sports and outside games, are healthy and enthusisastic. This is one reason that parents should encourage their kids to join in out door activities.

By removing the time playing online games, kids can spend more hours in academic perfomances and improve social skills for later life. By using time otherwise spent on computer games, the young are likely to form compulsory communication skills through teamwork games, not to mention the time-consumption of inappropriate contents. Therefore, children can prevent from addicting of gaming and focus more on their learning. My niece has few online friends due to her time spent on computer games while my nephew is a positive and sporty kid who has good grades at school and large groups of friends

In conclusion, parents should be a friend with their kids that dissuade the time-consumption of gaming which leads to better personality and health problems. Therefore, i am completely agree that the young should be encouraged to play physical outdoor activities than indoor gaming. The primary purpose of parents is to caring their kids as well as the future generation of healthy and successful people.

Your Opening presentation is an incorrect restatement. Compare the following:

OT: Some people think ... in their home?
YT: Use of computer games by the youngsters at home has become a major issue.

So you have a slight task inaccuracy based on the discussion topic. A more proper restatement could have been:

There are a group of people who support the idea that children should be encouraged to engage in out- of-the- house play time by discouraging gadget based play.

The reference to mental health should have been after your agreement. That is the proper place for the thesis statement or discussion reason.

By the way, use the correct response format for the question a measured response is used in an extent essay. For this essay a simple and direct dis/agreement would have worked best based on the given question. No need to exaggerate your response this time.

You cannot write 340 words within 40 minutes if you are after passing based on the scoring requirements. As you can see, we haven't even reviewed the total essay yet and you already have several score lowering presentations. The length affected the qquality of the essay. Next time, stick to 250-300 words and concentrate on increased statement qquality instead.

Your paragraphs are over-discussed. keep it within 3-5 sentences. at this rate you are hoping to pass based on your LR usage alone. The problem is that nobody has passed just on the LR rating. Your writing needs to have a balanced representation of all the scoring requirements. Explain and expound, but don't overdo it.

I try to focus in the first paragraph of your essay.

(The) ... by the youngsters at home has become a major (you can try to shift with significant) issue.

I am in complete agreement agree that ... played by children that desire of who desire physical ...