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IELTS : Children are engaged in paid job. Discuss both views and give your opinion


JennNguyen 1 / -  
Oct 14, 2014   #1
I am in an IELTS course. I try to learn English skills from others. I would be appropriate that you will give me some feed back on my production. Thank you so much, amazing people.

TOPIC : Children are engaged in some kind of paid job. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Children are engaged in some kind of paid job. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, the trend of getting involved in the paid job of young folks shows an alarming (I think "alarming" is not suitable here. it usu says about sth bad and urgent, while you are discussing both views) growth. Some mankind people consider this as wholeheartedly wrong, while others regard it as precious work experience, important for studying and taking experience. In my opinion, this controversial issue depends on the amount of time that children spend on working for payment.

On one hand, it is evident that paid work benefits youth in many aspects such as finance and personal skills. Specifically, In many developing countries, most a lot of adolescents are working part time jobs in order to cover their tuition fee and personal demands. In other words, This extra money help them to ease the financial strain. Furthermore, while working, youngsters have to try their best to accomplish their tasks with requirements and deadlines and outcome. That is the fast way for them to acquire more skills such as time management skill, interpersonal skill and communicative skill .. etc.

On the other hand, it is undoubtedly that being engaged in some types of financial work may occupy the children's precious (we use: occupy time/space/mind) and limited for school and recreation. In particular, Spending time on working means to lose time on contemplating the homework. Therefore, in some extents, this would have an awful impact on the youngster's academic results. Moreover, they would be under pressure because of the limited time for personal activities like playing sports, reading favourite books, watching interesting programs or even sleeping. Admittedly, this tendency could make major differences on children's lives.

If I were you, I would write:

On the other hand, it is no doubt that engagement in paid jobs occupy a significant amount of time for study and recreation that children need. This lack of time studying results in their poor academic performances in school, which may negatively affect their possibilities to find jobs after graduation. Moreover, taking a paid job will restrain other personal activities such as playing sports, reading books, watching TV or sleeping that children should get to balance their lives. However, these trade-offs are predicted by job-takers and may not divert them from continuing their work.

In conclusion, personally, i believe that taking part in paid job at young age brings more benefits than drawbacks. Nevertheless, government as well as parents should restrain the time of working in order to make sure that the children are on the track of balance studying and working.

vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Oct 14, 2014   #2
Anh, your desire to learn how to write in English without help from actual classes is admirable. Your work shows your desire to learn how to write in English properly as well. That said, I have to tell you that while the essay that you wrote is filled with grammatical errors, the message of your essay is coming through. The format of your essay though is a problem that needs to be addressed before we fix the grammatical errors. I hope to be able to guide you through that process now. Note my comments in green. I will try to help you correct the format and content of your essay so that it can reflect your thoughts in a better manner :-)

- Anh, in order to properly present your introductory statement, you need to present the question the essay is asking in your own understanding, then tell us what kind of topics you will be discussing in the body, finally, you should present your own opinion on the topic as well. This will become the thesis statement or topic for discussion in the essay.Right now, your introductory statement does not offer that.

- Who is speaking in this paragraph? You need to let us know whose opinion this is. Is it yours? Or someone else? Never end your paragraph with etc. In fact, try to avoid using that word because it is not academically acceptable in a discussion.

- Review this paper for capitalization and punctuation problems. I see a comma where there should be a period. What kind of academic results would this produce for the child? You need to learn to develop your ideas fully in order to properly discuss the concerns of the essay. Do not use one liner statements then leave it hanging.

- Your personal opinion cannot be your conclusion. New ideas cannot be introduced in the conclusion of an essay. So you will need to reformat this statement into a paragraph and then formulate a proper conclusion for your essay.

My advice is this, revise the essay. It is the only way to improve this work. It is admirable, but it needs help to become better and we are offering you that :-)


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