The first paragraph is the writer's restatement and opnion presentation. This is based on the original discussion directive. It is a direct restatement of the original topic. It should not included writer's opinion in the opening presentation. In this instance, the writer's opinion
children are the one who are hoped to be successful by parents
should not be a part of the restatement. It can however, be integrated into the direct response for the writer's opinion.
The writer's opinion should directly respond to the questions being asked by presenting a summarized form of his reasoning paragraphs. That means, the writer should not restate the discussion instructions because he will not receive a TA score for that. The TA score is based at the start on the writer's direct responses to the provided questions. Known as the thesis statement, it helps establish the discussion path of the essay in the succeeding paragraphs.
The reasoning paragraph division is incorrect in this presentation. While the second paragraph or first reasoning paragraph establishes the reasons behind the pressure and equally establishes the evidence for this claim, The positive or negative opinion was not clearly explained in the next paragraph as expected. Rather, the writer incorrectly used it as a concluding statement for the essay, which would lead to an automatic failing score. The automatic failing score will be due to the lack of proper summarized conclusion based on the preceding discussion. The positive or negative opinion should have been a stand alone third paragraph or second reasoning paragraph because it requires a completely developed discussion and evidence presentation similar to the causes paragraph. This is only a 4 paragraph discussion based on the provided discussion topics. The questions will always dictate the number of reasoning paragraphs, which will range between 2 - 3 paragraphs. The rule of thumb is:
1 question = 2 reasoning paragraphs
2 questions = 2 reasoning paragraphs
3 questions = 3 reasoning paragraphs
An additional error in the concluding statement is that the writer indicated a possible solution or suggestion to the situation. This is a statement that is not a part of the discussion development instruction. It led to a prompt change as it is an additional topic. Additionally, it left the essay without a proper concluding summary presentation. The lack of a proper summary conclusion will always result in a failing score for the essay.