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IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools


candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 10, 2014   #1
Essay question - Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school . What could you think are the possible causes ? What are the possible solutions .

The power to concentrate and ability to focus are considered to be the major attributes for the success of an individual. However, in the modern world , many children find it difficult to concentrate and pay attention in the school. This is clearly exhibited by the increase in number of cases of attention deficit disorder among children now a days . Distraction caused by electronic gadgets and improper diet are suggested as the possible causes for lack of attention. Solutions such as parental intervention and nutritious diet will be analysed for viability.

Firstly , it is believed that parental strictness will help children to limit the time they spend watching television and surfing internet . For example in a recent survey in U.S. it has been proved that children who spend less than three hours a day watching television have better focus on their studies and acquire good academic grades . Thus , effectiveness of this suggested solution in improving concentration can be clearly seen.

Secondly , to address the issue of improper diet and routine , children should be encouraged to eat nutritious food and follow routine. For instance , in many health related studies the link between lack of certain vitamins and minerals in body and attention deficit disorder has been established . This makes it obvious that good diet plays an important role in increasing concentration . Thus eating nutritious diet is suggested as a promising solution to the problem.

To conclude , it is felt that restricting the time spent on television, internet and having healthy diet will help children to increase the ability to focus , concentrate and pay attention in schools. It is thus hoped that these solutions are put into place as soon as possible so that children may improve their attentiveness in schools and enhance their learning skills.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 11, 2014   #2
The power to concentrate and ability to focus are considered to be the major attributes for the success of an individual.

.... Impressive hook and it gives a great start! :)

This is clearly exhibited by the increase in number of cases of attention deficit disorder among children now a days

.... This is a confusing sentence... your idea is not delivered clearly :( Better rephrase!

Overall, a very good introduction. You display very good writing skills. :)
How about managing time? Did you finish the essay on time?
OP candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 11, 2014   #3
Hi Dumi

Many thanks for your reply
I am a newbie on this forum and I am aspiring for band 7 in each module for academic IELTS
I will try to post more writings on this forum .
Further, please suggest what should I write to rephrase the suggested line .
Yes , I finished the Task 2 in 40 minutes.

Thanks again
Candy07
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 11, 2014   #4
.... try to improve your timing to 30 mins, then you are on safe side and have more time to attend to fine tuning the essay :D

As I mentioned earlier, you write very well. However, I thought this guideline approach would help you during your practice sessions.
OP candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 11, 2014   #5
Thanks Dumi

Writing in 30 minutes seems a good idea. I will definitely try to minimize the time.
I too believe in following the same structure as you suggested
Can you grade this essay according to band score

Thanks again.
Candy07
fikri 5 / 317 71  
May 11, 2014   #6
you wrote an essay in a good composition, but it will be better if you put some punctuation in appropriate places, because I saw that you missed some of them
Niaboc 1 / 2  
May 11, 2014   #7
Firstly, secondly and conclusion are too gaudy and overused. Reword it to create a better flow.
OP candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 12, 2014   #8
Hi Fikri, Niaboc, Pahan

Thanks for your suggestions
Can you write a model essay on this topic here according to your view , so that I may have a better outlook on your opinions .

Regards
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
May 12, 2014   #9
It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

To conclude , it is felt that restricting the time spent on television, internet and having healthy diet will help children to increase the ability to focus , concentrate and pay attention in schools.

This is the pattern for the concluding paragraph I suggest:
It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 12, 2014   #10
Well, let me help you with a model intro ... May be Pahan, Fikri or Niaboc would help you with the rest ;)

Many children today find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school . What could you think are the possible causes ? What are the possible solutions .

Concentration plays a vital role in academic success . (hook) However, many children today struggle to concentrate and stay focused in their academics (background of the issue). In my view, this is mainly due to the advancement of communication technology and busy lifestyles of modern people. However, I believe that this problem can be overcome with better parental care and nutrient diets .
OP candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 12, 2014   #11
Thanks a lot
Wow...Thats a great intro I think ... And according to me it should be - nutritious instead of nutrient
- better /healthy nutrients in diet
- nutrient rich diet
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
May 12, 2014   #12
Well, let me help you with a model intro ... May be Pahan, Fikri or Niaboc would help you with the rest ;)

Here we go with the first body para :D

First, the advancement of communication technology had been the main reason for this problem. The Internet, mobile phones and various other communication devices and gadgets have already occupied a great space in the lives of children today. These things act as major distractions for children and disturb their concentration on studies. For example, school kids sometimes secretly play computer games on their mobile phones while the teacher is explaining a lesson in the class.
OP candy07 9 / 33 6  
May 12, 2014   #13
Thank you so much Pahan, Dumi
Yep I am lucky
Waiting for other paragraphs... I hope the model essay will be complete soon ;-)

Thanks again.


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