Despite of playing in spare times, many parents tend to pressure their children into learning in particular subjects. In my opinion, I agree that parents should encourage them for after-school studies in order to excel in their knowledge.
Many people argue that childhood's life is fundamentally important which shapes their future of educational achievement. Recent research confirms that children learn more quickly during their early age than at any other time of life. After-school education in China, for example, has boomed over the last decades because parents believe that studying in class is not sufficient for children. Thus, many offer them an opportunity for class outside school as much as possible. And it is proofed that those children will succeed in their life and education.
Some people support the opinion that parents should not push children too much particularly studying in the free time because they should have the right to do other things that they want. For example, referring to a research studied by UNESCO, children living in developed nations are facing with stressfulness from parents. It has been show that children are miserable when they study hard in both normal school and special class because they have no time for recreational activities such playing with friend and watching television.
In conclusion, I think that parents should allow children some time for recreation after class or weekend in order to let them release pressure from learning. However, parents should find suitable subjects which they interested for expanding their knowledge.
I think your idea in the second paragraph about "Thus, many offer them an opportunity for class outside school as much as possible. And it is proofed that those children will succeed in their life and education. " could not convince readers if you didn't give any example or statistics like "referring to a research studied by UNESCO ... " in your third paragraph.
Furthermore, in your last paragraph, I think you have not given one clear option of you. You give the possibilities of both side. As I learned from EF here, if the question asks you about it is good or not, you need to choose one side only and explore it further. Choosing both sides often leads to an essay with no clear focus and a confusing structure.
My English is not very well, and I still learning now.
I hope we can learn from each other more.
Hi Tang, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope that you find this website credible as well as useful to your writing projects. We aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback as well as comprehensive modifications for your essay, this is to make sure that you have a strong essay to submit and be proud of.
Now as I go through your essay, I must say that it needs a lot of modification and I will not waste another line but will provide you with the following remarks;
Despite ofWhile playing in their spare times,
- children into learning
in particular subjects.
- to excel in their
- Many people argue that childhood
's life is fundamentally important
which shapes theirin shaping a students future of educational achievement.
- children learn
more quickly ( "more quickly" is pretty much redundant, "quickly" means "more quick" )
. And it is proofedand this has proved that those
which they interestedthat interest them in for expanding their knowledge.
There you have it Tang, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more so, useful to your revision.
Hi Tang, welcome to EssayForum :)
I can see that you have gathered very comprehensive feedback from EF member and contributor. I would like to give additional tips to achieve a high band score in IELTS writing, especially when it comes to IELTS writing task 2. I hope you can follow through.
- The minimum words limit of IELTS task 2 is 250 words. Your essay was 250 words. It is not suggested to keep doing this in the next practice or in the real test. You need to remember that IELTS also needs a good handwriting skill, or at least your handwriting must be clear for the examiner. If you only write 250 words and some of them are unclear, they will not count it and you will not able to fulfill the minimum words limit. As a result, your will only reach low band score. Therefore, my suggestion is that you are suggested to write more than 250 words, preferably 270 or even 300 words to avoid such problem.
- You need to avoid making jumpy ideas. The last sentence of your first paragraph was talking about "parents should encourage children for after-school studies" but the first sentence of your second paragraph was not talking about that. It is too jumpy if you talk about "after-school studies" in the third sentence of your second paragraph. Therefore, if you want to reach band 6 or above, pay attention on how to write reference clearly and appropriately.
I hope those tips are helpful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS task 2 writing. Good luck for the next practice :)
Hi. Here is my opinion
Pressure is a noun. You should say:may parents put pressure on their children to learn several subjects.
You should choose one between in my opinion and i believe as they have the same meaning.