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Where Children Should Grow Up; ENGLISH WRITING


yu0219 1 / -  
Feb 7, 2013   #1
Hi, guys
I would like you to help me. I am not good at writing English essay.
Is there something wrong about grammar, or logical structure?

Where Children Should Grow Up

Today, a lot of families go to the city from the country, and some people who lived in the rural district say that it is worse for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. However, I do not think so. I think that parents should bring up their children in the countryside.

Opponents claim that the number of educational facilities is very small, so children cannot choose a good education for themselves. However, children can take good lessons because of the development of the Internet technology. People usually have devices with them that enable them to use the Internet, for example, personal computers, cell phones, and so on, so they can get a ideal education wherever they are, even if they are in the countryside.

Opponents also say that the rural district is getting depopulated because more and more people are deserting it for the cities. Because of that, the number of children in the countryside is smaller than that in a big city. Therefore, they can make fewer friends. It is not good for them. However, this insist is not true. Because of the development of the Internet, more children can use social networking services, for example, Twitter, Facebook, Mixi, and so on. If they can use such services, they can make many friends without meeting each other.

The final argument advanced by opponents is that children can see fewer jobs, for example, teacher, farmer, clerk at small shops, and so on. Accordingly, there are not so many occupations that children aim for. However, in the present, they can get much information about what they like and else on the Internet. Children can expand their interest by using the Internet.

For these three reasons, I insist it is better for children to grow up in the countryside.

SKhan 2 / 5  
Feb 7, 2013   #2
hi,
i think there are few things to correct, and you also need to work on your sentence making. i also feel that the topic is not clarifying itself.

Today, a lot of families go to the city from the country, (try to avoid such words, alot, lots of etc...)
Today, many families/ people living in countryside are moving towards city.

and some people who lived in the rural district says that it is worse for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city.because (give reason? why they think so..)However, I do not think so. I think that parents should bring up their children in the countryside. (give reasons...why you think so.. and explain those reasons in the body of the essay...next paragraph)

Opponents (who opponents? not an appropriate word) people claim that the number of educational facilities in rural areas are very small, so children cannot choose a good education for themselves. However, i think that in today's hi-tech world children can take good lessons because of the development of the Internet technology. People usually have devices with them that enable them to use the Internet, for example, personal computers, cell phones, and so on, so they can get an ideal education wherever they are, even if they are in the countryside.

Opponents also say that theit is also said that rural district is getting depopulated becauseas more and more people are deserting it for the cities. and Because of thatthis reason , the number of children in the countryside is smaller than that in a big city. Therefore, they can make fewer friends. Itwhich is not good for them. However, this insist is not true. Because of the development of the Internet (you have already said this line), more children canwith the use of social networking services, for example,such as Twitter, Facebook, Mixi, and so on. etc, Ifthey can use such services, they can make many friends without meeting each other.

The final argument advanced by opponentslastly, it is also said thatis that children can seehavefewerless jobsopportunitiesand few fields to choose for example, teacher, farmer, clerk at small shops etcand so on. Accordingly, there are not so many occupations that children can aim for. However, i feel, in the present day , they can get much information from internet about what occupation theylikewant to chooseand else on the Internet . Children can expand their interest by using the Internet.

For these three reasons, I insist it is better for children to grow up in the countryside.
write something else for conclusion. dont just defend, give reasons of whatever you think. for example, they should be brought-up in country side because of healthy environment, there is less environment pollution in countryside than cities etc.. give more strong reasons.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 7, 2013   #3
Today, a lot of familiesgomove to the city from the country, and some people who lived in the rural district say that it is worse for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city.

... Break this line for two sentences as they are two ideas;
Today, many families move to the city from the country looking for new opportunities. However, some of them claim that it is not an appropriate option for upbringing their children.

However, I do not think so. I think that parents should bring up their children in the countryside.

In my view, I too think that children should be brought up in the countryside.

Opponents claim that the number of educational facilities is very small, so children cannot choose a good education for themselves.

... This is the first line of your first body para. In your introduction you spoke in favor of bringing up children in the countryside. So you need to tell this with some reference to what you said above otherwise it may sound a bit abrupt;

Although the opponents claim that rural areas offer less facilities for children in respect of education, the Internet has come in aid to fill this gap.


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